Thoughts Today

If what I saw in the movie was really me and you, I think that would be the best time of my life. The thing is, I don't know where I'm at anymore, I don't what I'm doing right, or the many things I'm doing wrong. The people I'm blowing off, the things I chose not to share, just because I can't contain them anymore.

If it was just you and me, and we were sitting in the darkness of the night, with the oceans waves crashing below us, when no one else was around, and it was a dark night, and the light was only the light of the light we brought with us, maybe things would be different. Maybe I would feel as though I really could tell you everything, and that I really could let you know whats going on right now, but for some reason, I don't have the guts to.

Life is life, and it's not always fun for me. Living with two guys can be a pain in the butt, cause they don't understand anything. And plus, they don't know that sometimes us as girls want some time alone, and not with you around. Sometimes, we just need friends to talk to and help us through everything we are going through, whether they are just sitting and watching us, or holding us in their arms, sometimes that's all we need. Sometimes someone willing to stand by my side is all I could ever want. Sometime it takes more than than. Step back and look, I'm an ordinary girl growing up without a Mom. Done it since I was not even 2. I'm used to it. Does that mean it's easy? No. Does that mean it kills most of the time? Yeah. Does that mean I don't trust God with it? No, I do trust Him, do I understand why? No, but I trust Him, and hope He really does know what He is doing, cause I sure don't.

Sometimes, I just don't understand and wish that perfect movie picture was true. Sometimes all I want is to be with someone, and talk to them and get my feelings out, and have them listen, and give me hugs, comfort me, encourage me, cause I need it more than they know.

Thoughts

God has been laying something on my heart a lot lightly, and it's out of my comfort zone. God has been calling me into different areas of leadership. And your thinking, what's wrong with that?

All my life, I have been a follower, I don't want to be the way to set a trend, and I don't want to be the person telling someone they are wrong, or whatever. Second off, I don't want to be a leader, I have been living all my life as a follower, and yeah not saying I don't have some clones around, but I mean it's not like I have actually talked about it. My faith is so important to me, but no one would have any idea, because I don't talk about my feelings much.

But, God has been giving me ideas, and telling me, "Kate, it's time you got out of your comfort zone and started helping those around you, instead of just sitting and watching." Here's the thing, for a whole 13 years of my life, I have watched, sat in the bleachers, and God is finally calling out of that.

Magnificent Holy Father
I stand in awe of all I see
Of all the things You have created
But still You choose to think of me
Who am I that You should suffer
Your very life to set me free
The only thing that I can give You
Is the life You gave to me
This is my offering, dear Lord
This is my offering to You, God
And I will give You my life
For it’s all I have to give
Because You gave Your life for me

And sometimes, I know for a fact that when I sit in the bleachers, I am not using the life that God gave me in the right way. I could do so much more with it, but I don't. I want to be an offering to you, God, an offering with my life.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving you say? Doesn't excite me. Sitting around home, looking at everything around me, doesn't make me feel proud, doesn't make me want anything better. You ask, shouldn't you be thankful on thanksgiving? Shouldn't you be thankful for those around you? Yeah, sure I'm thankful for my Dad and my brother, but sometimes they can just be a pain. And sometimes, I get overwhelmed.

But maybe, today it is time to just step back and look around me. I am surrounded by a huge group of friends, all around me, catching me when I fall, catching my tears on their shoulders when I cry, supporting me through thick and thin, being people I can count on. Yeah, maybe sometimes they all aren't there, and maybe sometimes I wish there was other people in my life, but ya know, all in all, I have to look back and see all the blessings that I do have.

Yeah, life stinks so much sometimes, and yeah, there are so many times I want to run away from my life, and so many times, I just wish that the rest of the pain of everything goes away, it doesn't seem to listen. But, sometimes I just have to remember that God will put me through hard stuff, but that's when I need to just fall down, and say God, I know I can't do this on my own, sometimes God brings me to points where all I can is look up at God, and say I was made to be dependent, and I need you.

And yeah, I'm sick of hearing God's got a plan for my life, but I know it's true, and I can't help but smile to know that. I may hate life, but maybe it's just time to look and see that God really does have a plan, and knew what he was doing when he put each and everything thing in my life.

"You give and take away, you give and take away, and my heart will CHOSE TO SAY Lord, blessed be your name."

Yeah, it does hurt sometimes around the holidays, when people spend all the time and talk about all the blast they had/have with their family, and yeah it does hurt sometimes to watch you all smile, when pain surrounds me, but the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, and it all ends up in His plan.

"You give and take away, and my heart will CHOSE to say, Lord blessed be your name."

MY STUPID LIFE!!

Ever just wish for a second, that people would leave you alone? Ever just wish people would stop doing something so badly, but they don't listen? This is all I want out of the world. I want people to stinkin just stop pitying me? Whats pity you may ask? Maybe that's the first place to start. Pity is giving me sympathy for something I don't need or want it for, in other words, giving my sympathy that won't help me at all in the near future, or in any future.

People, stop watching me in pain, and saying I'm sorry! Stop standing around me and complaining how you don't like this, when your mom's gone and it's just you and your dad, stop complaining to me about that, cause guess what, THAT'S MY LIFE! I have no pity for you, and I don't want pity back in return. So get over your complaining about how it's only when your Mom is gone, cause my mom has been gone for 12 and a half YEARS! Hear that, not like tiny little days, years, years!! This isn't little things, this isn't lies, this is the flat out truth of my entire life.

You don't know what it's like to sit around your whole life waiting to see what in the world God was thinking in this. You don't know how much it hurts to look at your perfect life, when mine is falling into pieces. You want someone to understand the little things, well guess what, I want someone to understand this too, but guess what, no one does. So get over your complaing about how your Mom's going to be gone for 2 days, wait till your Mom is gone for 12 and a half years and is NEVER COMING BACK!

Yes, I don't have a Mom, and yes it kills like nothing else. And don't even try to tell me you understand cause you don't. You haven't been there, your great uncles grandpa's cousins plumber dieing doesn't even count. Not in any ways, cause when your standing in my spot, you see it's a whole lot different, a whole lot more painful, and a whole lot more wanting and needing someone around.

So don't tell me you understand until you ARE STANDING WHERE I HAVE STOOD THE PAST 12 AND A HALF YEARS OF MY LIFE!

Ashes for Beauty?

Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay EVERY burden down
At the foot of the cross

Walking through life, we pick things up along the way. One day we decide to pick this up or that up at the store, and we keep walking. What would happen if we didn't ever lay any of that down? What would happen if every time we walked through a store, we bought something and we didn't lay it down, but just carried it around instead? Do you think the pile of stuff would ever get heavy? How stupid would that be and look? How stupid would that be?

You read that, and simple think, Kate your crazy, why would anyone do that? And that truth is, that so many of have. Maybe it's not really things, like maybe it's not like food, clothes, whatever, but a lot of the time, it's burdens.

What are you talking about? You may ask.... this...
1.) losing someone you love, maybe by simply just breaking up with a boyfriend, losing a best friend, cause of their choice, or really having someone you love die
2.) parents getting divorced
3.) stress...

There are so many burdens that you carry, that you don't want to let go of. Maybe it's something that would comfort you, or so you think, that would make you feel better about yourself, that would give you courage to move on, I don't know. I don't know what has gone on in your life, but I'm guessing that some where along the way, you have picked something up. Some kind of pain, some kind of maybe even just sin that you don't think belongs. Who knows what it is, but maybe theirs something you have carried around your whole life. And maybe people have tried to push God onto you, telling that He loves you, but maybe that's just another heavy book to carry around all the time. Maybe it surrounds you, and you just don't want it.

Maybe, like me, your sick of walking around carrying all these useless burdens, and refusing to let anyone see them. Maybe you've tried giving them to someone else, but no one was strong enough to take them, and just gave them back to you, even worse than they were before. I don't know, cause, truth be told, I love a totally different life than you do, and sometimes. Maybe it feels like it would be so much easier to carry around, till you have carried it around for so long, and you need a break, but know you can't take one.

Look up, and what do you see? Maybe all you see is open arms, but those are God's open arms. He says that he will give you rest, but only if you can lay your burdens down. But you say, I can't, there will be no more comfort, it's my security, or maybe it's just stuck to you, cause you've carried it around so long, refusing to get help.

But tonight, no matter where you are, no matter who you are, and no matter what burdens your carrying, lay them down at the cross. It's right in front of you and look, God's standing there with open arms, ready for you to come in and sit in His lap, cry on his shoulder, whatever, cause you are his child, and his creation, which he loves. It may be a hard process, but God will help you carry that load. Will he really want them? You may ask, yeah, He's ready to help you carry the load, even better, carry it for you. So tonight, lay the burdens down at God's feet, and feel the warmth of His warm embrace around you. Cause maybe you have been carrying them your whole life, and now it's time to let them go, to someone who truly can help you with the heavy load.

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. -God

Father's love letter

Tonight

V1:
I close my eyes
And all I see is darkness
I look all around to see your face
But I lose you in the crowd
I want to feel your presence
But all I feel is air

Chorus:
I know your there
I see you work all around me
But I don't feel your presence with me
God, where are you?
God, I need you here tonight

V2:
I can't find you anywhere
I wonder if your even here
I've searched for so long
I wish you where here, tonight

Chorus

Bridge:
Your live is amazing
but i need to feel it
God, I want you
God, I need you

Chorus

By: Kate Crane
CopyWrong2007

Pain!

"When I hear your name, it's not the same, no matter what they say, I'm not okay."

No matter if they what the song is really talking about, that's how it is with me.

I look two rows infront of me, and see a happy family of girls. Theres a Mom in the middle, and two young girls on each side, one looking aobut 11, and the other about 8. I hear the Mom speak to the girls, letting them chose where they were going to sit, before they say two rows infront of me, and the kind words she spoke to them through out the service. In worship, I saw the Mom wrap her arms around both girls, and whisper "secrets" in their ears, during communian, she grabbed their hands, and walked up to the station with them, and when the say back down, the 8 year old girl lay her head on her Mom's shoulder, and rested it there.

Look two rows back, and you would see me. There were two empty seats next to me, one to the left, one to the right, look over a seat, and see my dad, talking to the lady sitting next to him, like I didn't even exist. Watch me as I worship, you'll start to see that God means more to me, and is my last option, and I don't care whose around me at the moment, but wait for awhile, and suddenly there is a sense of being alone, looking around, looking two rows up, at the people and happy family infront of me, and the love that family has, compared to the messed up family I live in.

Cross the isle, go up three rows, and you'll see a couple; probably late teens, early 20's. They look happy. They wrap their arms around each other, and you think about the love that they could truly have for each other, and what they love would be like. Maybe it's some of that love I wish I had.

Do you know how much pure toucher that was for me? Do you know how much that put pain through my entire body? Cause more than anything else in my life, that's what I want, I want a Mom. Someone to pick me up, and wrap their arms around me, and tell me things will be okay. I wish someone would tell me it would be okay, and then take the time to make it okay, by being there for me, loving on me, giving me what I'm missing out on in my life.

I hurt, more than alot of my friends sometimes it seems, it seems like I don't belong with them, because my life is so much different. I want a Mom in my life. My best friend is the closest I have, and the fight thats going on between us, breaks my heart. Cause after "Mom" moved, my heart hurts, and I've missed the love and the hugs, but your hugs have started to feel like hers, and in them I'm starting to feel okay, like I could cry and you wouldn't even care. (you know what I mean). I don't know what to do, I can't sit and watch this anymore, it hurts to watch.

By the end of the service, I couldn't look across the isle, I couldn't look two rows infront me, cause it hurts too much, cause I give all my love away to those I care about, and sometimes I just need some back in return. I don't know, sometimes I just don't understand what God is doing in this all.

MOM!

I guess the hardest part is moving on, and not just saying that I'm going to move on, but to really move one. The thing is, my Mom lives in me, and I miss her so much, cause it's just like this passion and need for her won't go away. And the thing is, I really a hurting in so many ways. Cause, I don't understand this at all. I don't know why God had to chose me, and I don't know why it can kill so bad sometimes.

And it's like, why can't my dad stop yelling at me, and just notice I need a friend. Like in movies, you can walk away, and parents know something is wrong, and they do something about it, and I wish my dad could tell, and would do something about it. Call a best friend, tell them to get their butt over here, and talk to me, or just let them come over on their own will. I just need a friend, but I don't trust any of my friends, but my loyal Knight, the rest could care less and could just look at the small picture of it all and say that nothings wrong, when inside I kill like never before. All I need is a friend hanging around, letting me talk when needed, not forcing me to talk, and just the random hugs at random moments, that just remind me you are there and you do care, but no one else does, and I don't know.

I don't know, it seems like no matter what I do, memories find their way in. Tonight it was a stupid movie, tomorrow who knows what it will be. I don't have patient to be around other people, all I want is you, Dani.

It's just I miss you so much, Mom. I promise you its every time I look and see me, there is an image of you there too. I miss you more than I ever have before, I just wish their was a girl around, and I wasn't left all alone to face life on my own, cause I can promise you that's not easy. I feel so broken, so messed up, and I don't know what else to say besides, I miss you and wish somehow you could be here, and I could talk to you, just once.

And it kills me to think that your gone for good, I guess the 13 years is catching up to me, I can't put it off anymore, cause it hurts all too much. I need someone there all the time, but no one is, and I don't know, it just kills me.

I Wanna Be Your Best Friend
By: Kate Crane
Dedicated to: Dani Boucher

I see you standing there
I wonder what you want me to do
I watch your every move
I think I’ve got you figured out

You change your mood
And I get lost
I wonder if I’ll ever figure you out
I want to be the best friend I can
But I feel as though I just mess up

I want to be there for you
Every time you fall
But you push me away
And I don’t think you need me at all

I want to be your best friend
There by your side each step of the way
But how can I do it?
When all you do is push me away
I want you to trust me
But you seem never able to

I want to be there for you
Every time you fall
I wish you could just take my hand
And learn to not let go
And learn not to let go

I can see the pain in your eyes
And I don’t know what to doWill I ever win this fight? Or will you learn to let go?

*Attempted song, dumb, but working on music to go with it, so it's not just lyrics, not going so well tho. :)

My Life Falling Apart

My world falls down right before my eyes

First off comes the "depression", cause I stinkin miss you so much
The thought of feeling alone
Not understanding
Questioning
This goes on for a week and and a half, and I still don't understand it

Then things start to get better
And my dad comes along with his ragging
Claims he never spazzes at me
And then tells me that if I think it's good than it's good
And he yells at me later cause it's not good enough
And well, I'm sorry I'm your germfreakish daughter
And I'm sorry that I have a "Mom" that cares about me
And call me to say happy birthday
And doesn't call you
Maybe she understands that I need some love
Cause I don't get love from a Mom
So she tries her best to fill that in for me
Ever even think how I feel about this?
And sorry I'm grumpy
I don't even know how I am

Do you even understand how much life stinks for me right now?
Do you understand what it's like to be a girl, living in an all guys family?
Do you understand what it's like to lose two of the closest people to me, in 13 years?
And to lose so many best friends
And finally find one I trust
And you hate me talking to her
Cause I'm wasting my time
I would be no where with her

And God, are you even out there anymore?
Do you even care?

I hate this!
It all kills too much.
I need a friend
But I'm asking for a lot out of you
You sure you can take that?

Every Saturday

Maybe it's not just because my emotions have got a hold of me and won't let me go, maybe it's because it really does sting. Thinking about it more and more makes it sting so much more. Thinking about it makes me wonder why it had to happen. Thinking about it, I feel tears swell up in my eyes, cause I know there is nothing that I can to fix it. Thinking about it, I wonder why it all had to happen.

Saturdays have never been the same
And I still can’t believe you’re gone
So many things I wish that I could say
I guess the hardest part of moving on
Are these memories that have overtaken me
Once again I’m right here on my knees
I’m barely hanging on
With all these empty feelings
I’m hurting in so many ways
And though I can’t begin to understand the reason
I still believe that you’re GOD

And I still can't believe you're gone:
The thing is, I don't want to think your gone, Mom, I want you to be here, cause I miss you too much, and it kills me everyday. I wish that you were around, and it's not just that my emotions have taken over me, it's like a friend said, your a part of me, your a part of who I am, I'm told I sound like you, and I act like you, and that kills, cause I want to meet you, I want to see your face, I want a hug from you, a comforting hug, the love I never got from Dad, I want it so so bad. I don't want to listen when people say your gone, I don't want you to be gone, I want you to be here with me.

So many things I wish that I could say:
There is so much I want to tell you, and show you, and so many things I just wish you could be proud of me for, I wish that I could not only talk to you, but hear your voice and encouragement from you, cause I need it.

I guess the hardest part is moving on:
It's so hard to thing is to let you go, to move on, to keep walking, to get up, and say hey, your gone, but I still need to move on, cause it hurts so much sometimes, and it just kills a deep hole into you, and it screams. I don't want to move on with the fact that your gone, it's taking me 13 years to.

Are these memories that have over taken me:
They have taken me, yeah maybe I never met you, but the thing is, I can see people all around me, looking, smiling, walking with their moms, talking about how they did this and that, and I just look and say, I wish that was me, I wish I had memories like that with you.

I'm barley hanging on/I'm hurting in so many ways:
I can't hang on anymore, I am about to fall, I don't think I can hang on with this pinkie anymore, I'm going to slip and fall, and Mom, it hurts way too much for me to bear, I wish someone understood that, I wish someone could say, I've been through it, Kate, and I know it's hard, but no one has.

And though I can't begin to understand the reason:
No way do I understand why it is this way, so many questions without answers.

I still believe that your God:
I wish that was true, I wish I could just trust God, but the thing is, it's so hard, cause it hurts so much, I wish it all would go away, but the thing is, it won't, it's stuck with me, and it kills like nothing else.

I guess the point is, I don't understand it and yes it hurts so much more than I can bear some days, and right now, I don't think it's just that my emotions have gotten a hold of me, I think it's that she lives in me, after all I'm her daughter. She shines through me, in different things I do, and I've tried to ignore it for 13 years, I've tried to pretend it doesn't matter. I've told people, it's fine, because I was only one and a half, but the thing is, that's now how it works. I've put it aside, I've tried to push it away and tried to ignore the fact that it even happened, and it's catching up to me and it stings, so so bad. I have cried more in the past week than ever in my life. I can't stand it! It hurts too much. Way too much. I miss you, Mom. Wish you were here.

Still Hurts

Some of you who read my blog, check it everyday, and by now, your thinking, what in the world is she talking about? She has talked about it way too much, how bad can it really be? But the thing is, you won't understand it till you are standing right where the pain is. You won't know what it's like to lose a mom, until you've lost it. You won't know what it's like to be me, till you have grown up with guys who put you down, make fun of you and your friends and won't leave you alone, and guys who don't see the difference it is for a girl who loses a mom.

And I don't want you to look me in the eye, and say, "Kate, I understand what your going through, my grandpa died last year and that was really hard for me." I'll look you straight in the eye, and say you don't understand and walk away. Your just lost inside the walls I've built. Your looking at the mask and saying its the full truth. Your looking at the smile and following it. Your looking at me and seeing a mask and that's it.

You don't know me, unless you know how much it hurts me. You don't know me, until you sit in front of me and watch me. Cause it kills me, it is like sticking a knife into my heart. And yeah, I don't understand it. I don't get why God chose me to let this all happen to. I don't understand why God would pick me, cause for weak little me, it hurts too much.

It kills like nothing I've ever felt. It came out of nowhere, and just dug it's own little whole into me, and broke me into pieces. It took over me. I can't try and hide it, cause I can only hide it so long, maybe I can make it through a school day, but that's maximum. I've given up trying to ignore it, cause it some how finds it's way into every situation. No matter how hard I try and push it away, it finds its way back, the memories, the dreams, the wishes, the hopes, they are gone, and I'm left to fall flat on my face, to let go.

I'm hurting in so many ways, and I don't understand it at all. I just wish someone would take the time to give me the extra hug in a day, I mean you can tell me you will, but will you really do it?

All the wishes I had, all the times I tried to ignore it, all the time I pushed it away, all the times I tried to play tough and act like it didn't happen, somehow it's caught up with me and it now standing right next to me, pulling me down and pulling me apart. Cause, man it just hurts so so much.

Kills!

I'm sure it has started to follow me. I'm sure that I can't get it out of my head, and it's just going to stay there and pull me down. I'm sure there is no way that everything can be okay. I don't understand why God did took her, I don't understand where all this sudden pain came from. I don't get why it came out of nowhere and it hurts so much. I don't get how everyday I can make it through a day. I don't get how no one would ever know. I don't get why people can look at me, and just say hey Kate, stop staring off into space, but ya know, maybe I'm doing that just cause it hurts so bad, and just thinking about it kills me more than you could ever understand.

You wish that I would trust you, you try and make me talk, but my best friend can rarely ever get me to talk, so I wouldn't even try. Yeah, she may know all about this, and she may know how I feel about it, but it's cause she's there for me, it's cause she doesn't force me to talk, she LETS ME talk, when I WANT TO TALK, she has never forced me to talk, she has always listened. And if you want to gain trust in me, your going to have to show me some how that you are trustworthy. I'm not going to come out and tell you my life story, if I don't have trust in you. There is ONE PERSON who I have ever told in my 14 years of being alive how I really felt about it all, and that was my best friend.

You want me to be a best friend to you, but when have you been a best friend to me? When have you ever taken the time to listen to me? When have you ever taken the time to try and be my friend, try and understand me and what's going on? When have you just said, "Kate, I know you need me, and I don't know what's going on, but I'm here." Cause yeah, you may look at me, and say hey Kate's tough, she doesn't need anything in return, she always encourages me, why would she need encouragement, she's got it all in her. But do you know how hard it is to listen to your own encouragement? I can't listen to myself, cause I don't. I need it coming from a friend, and if you aren't going to give it to me, maybe I won't give it to you. Cause it's the people who give it who need it most, cause they know what it's like to need it and not get it.

I hurt so much. It kills so much. I wish everything was okay, but it really isn't. I wish that you where still here, I wish that I wasn't alone, the only girl, I wish that I understood, where this ongoing pain came from. I wish someone would take the time out of their day, give me a hug, and let me cry on their shoulder, build trust in me (or be the only one i trust), and try and be the friend back that I try and be for them. I feel like I have one friend out there that I really trust, and she has no idea how much I appreciate everything that she does for me all the time. She has no idea, although I wish she did. I love her so much. But that doesn't make the pain stop, it doesn't make it go away.

You got answers to my question, cause I would really like to know. How can I get so much pain coming from nowhere? How can this hurt so much? I wish it didn't, I wish it was all back that way it was, I wish it was all perfect, I wish you where here. I wish I didn't cry because of you, but on you. I don't get it, and I don't know what to do anymore, got answers for me, fill me in, cause I need to know.

I wish you could ask me if I was okay, and I could honestly tell you I was, but the thoughts, the memories follow me everywhere I go, and they hurt so much. Tears build up all day, the pain builds inside, I don't know what to do anymore, I miss you, and it hurts way too much, it's not even right.

It just kills so much!

Thoughts at the Moment

Tonight it's not just that I want you
It's the I need you around
Tears stream down my face
I feel like I can't move on
And I tell you what's going on and you listen
To all my questions without answers
To all the pain I feel tonight
And how much it kills like nothing else
I need you tonight
More than I ever have
I've held it in too long
It hurts too much
I wish I could take you away
And just get one good hug from you
And not let go
I wish it didn't have to hurt like this
I wish that I didn't have to remember this
I wish I understood why it hurts so much tonight

But, I don't, it just kills, like nothing else. I'll break down... probably soon.

I Miss You (part 3)

How many times will you tell me you understand? How many times are you going to sit in front of me, and say, I'm here for you, I understand what your going through, when the closest thing you got to losing a mom, is your grandpa that you never talked to that died when you were a month old. Don't tell me you understand when you really don't. Cause you don't get what depression is, you don't get what its like to want to not move, to cry, but yet keep a reputation of being tough, you don't know what it's like to wish so bad that you had her back, you don't know what it's like to be the only girl in your family and hurt so much you don't even know what to do, but just put the thought away, so you can make it through a day. You don't know what it's like to sit through someone talking about death, and suicide, and then walking and seeing your friends don't even care, and you were trying hard not to cry.

You hold me close in your arms, I loved the way you felt so strong.

You think that maybe I wouldn't know what it would feel like, but ya know, I had someone close enough to me that she was my mom, and she was moved away, and you don't know how stinkin hard that is for me, she was the best. She gave amazing hugs, and now I miss those, those made it so I could go on, the made it all okay, and guess what, it's not. It hurts way too much for me to bear.

Oh how I wish you could see everything that's happening for me...

I wish you could be proud of me, I wish you could be here for me, and yeah maybe I wouldn't talk to you all the time, but I wish you were hear, so we could go out just cause we felt like it, and it wouldn't be with a guy that didn't understand anything I was going through.

And I still shed a tear every once in a while

More than you know, cause I miss her so much some days, there are days I'll sit in my room and cry for no reason, just cause I wish she was around, or maybe it's not even her, I wish Tammy was around. But the thing is, their not, and that kills me so much.

You can't tell me you understand cause I know you don't. And if you would stinkin take the time to listen to me, maybe you would understand. If you would stinkin even care to look at me, knowing life stinks, and say hey Kate, this is cause i love you, and give me a nice hug, sper of the moment, you don't know what that would mean to me.

Sorry, I'll shut up, I'm just kinda getting out my thoughts, to someone, even if no one reads this, but ya know, at least it's out there.

I Miss You (Cont)

It's not just a simple I can relate, cause someone I know in my long family tree, it's the one in my family, the one I would have been able to come to, the other girl in my family that would have been through some of the stuff I have been through, the person who would have understood. The thing is that people don't get it till it's them going through it. It's not as simple as you think it is, it's as hard as a rock that can't be broken. It's harder everyday. I miss her, like nothing else some days, and other days I don't want to make it reality and I just want to pretend it never happens, and that somehow maybe the world would be just how I wanted it to be. If you understood it, I would tell you everything, but you don't. If you took the time to stop pitying me and took some time just to listen to what I go through everyday, maybe I would tell you, maybe I would learn to talk some, but the thing is, would you even care to listen? It's critical for a girl to have another girl in her life and for me, all I have is my friends, yeah they may be the best friends in the world, but it's still not the same. If that song wasn't by Hannah Montana, I would write it, and say it was my own, cause I can relate, and wish someone else could.

But for now, that's just my thoughts, not that you even care. But I needed to speak my mind, atleast this poor little blog wouldn't mind, but the readers probably give up after reading the first sentence, it's not amuzing to you, but yet so painful for me.

I Miss You

"I Miss You"

You used to call me your angel
Said I was sent straight down from heaven
You'd hold me close in your arms
I loved the way you felt so strong
I never wanted you to leave
I wanted you to stay here holding me

I miss you
I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear
Every once in a while
And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to knowI miss you

I miss youYou used to call me your dreamer
And now I'm living out my dream
Oh how I wish you could see
Everything that's happening for me
I'm thinking back on the past
It's true that time is flying by too fast

I know you're in a better place, yeah
But I wish that I could see your face,
ohI know you're where you need to be
Even though it's not here with me

I didn't write it, but it kinda works with me in some way. :) Anyway... I"m done now.

Could I talk to you just a little longer?
Could you hold on just a little longer?
Could you look me in the eye and say I love you just one more time?
Could you give me one more hug before I lose my everything?
Could you support me when I need it, just one more time?
Could I hear you voice, just one more time?
Could you play our song just one more time?

Could you not saying goodbye tonight and hangon for everything?
Could I wait for ever for you and have you never come back?
Will you come home tonight and still be alive?
Will all your friendship still not be forgotten?
Would you remember that I loved you?

Would you care if I laughed too hard?
Would you care if I cried cause I couldn't help it?
Would you care if I was as weak as a leaf?
Would you still love me?

Just don't even ask.... no idea

"Could you hold it just a little longer?" the calm voice inside me says, wishing she didn't have to let go. "I want to hold onto you forever, never let you go, I want to stay in the warm embrace, knowing that love is right there, coming straight from your heart. I don't want to hug to end, I want it to last forever. I want to stay in this comfort zone, where I know, I don't have to smile, where, I know that I can sit and cry on your shoulder and you won't care. Where I know I don't have to be tough, where I know for me to cry doesn't make me a wimp, but just shows life stinks. Where I know you understand, where I know that I'm safe from the world around me. Where, I know that you won't let go, until I let go, and even then you could still hang on."

I want the world to fade away, and only you exist there, standing in front of me. I want to put my head on your shoulder, and let the tears fall and know you don't care. I want to stand there, with you, and not move a muscle, I want to have two arms around me and put two arms around you, in a hard hug, I want to hang on and not let go. I want to laugh when needed, and cry when the time is right. I want to talk, but not necessarily talk, but sit in your arms, and let the world fade away, till it's just me and you left standing there.

Comment me if you so desire!

I have no idea

It's not about how you look
It's about who you are
It's not about how you dress
It's about who you are
It's not about the money you spend
It's about the inside
It's not about the words you use
It's about who you are
It's not about the language you use
It's about whats going on inside
It's not about your popularity status
It's about you being right with God
It's not about you being perfect
It's about you doing your best
It's not about how much skin you show
It's about how much skin you don't
It has nothing to do with the outside
It's all whats going on on the inside

Is Jesus there?
Is He working in you?
Are you being modest?
Are you living out your life in the best way you can?
Are you trying to be perfect, or just doing your best?
Are you failing and giving up, or learning from your mistakes?
Who are you?
Are you a clone or are you you?
As in you who God made you to be?
And who are you?

Comment me!

Not Good Enough

You could just say I'm not good enough
Yeah you had no choice
You got stuck with me
Yeah, I'm on your team now
And I know you probably hate it
Cause I'm not good enough for you
I mess up too much
I get yelled at cause it doesnt go where I want it to

I try
I promise I try
But I guess I just can't suceed
I'll give you my best
But my best isn't enough for you
I'll try hard
But my hardest isn't enough for you
I'll try and score
But when I make a goal,
You don't even care

Why I still play?
I love the sport
I can't stop
It's my thing
I just wish my work was good enough for you

Don't ask. Comment tho. :)

No idea

Your say you understand
When I'm sure you don't
You say you understand
How could you?
You are the one who stands to the side
You watch me grow
But you've never been there

You say you understand
But I know you don't
You say I'll be okay
How do you know?

You stand to the side
You watch me grow
But you've never been there

You've never felt the knife being jabbed into your heart
Knowing she's gone
Or at least for now
You used to see her
And now she's not there
You used to be loved
And now your not

You say you understand
But I know you don't
You you understand
But how could you?
You've never been there
Felt my pain
How could you understand?
Cause I don't.


It has no name, just something I wrote, that came from no where. So yeah... comment it if you so desire.

Near

God, where are you? God, I can’t find you
I’m searching for you
God, where are you?

God, are you hiding,
In a place I can’t see?
God, I can’t feel you presence
Are you still there?

Chorus:
Be near, God, I need you tonight
As I fall to the floor,
As my knees hit the floor tonight,
God, be near to me

God, men used to speak to you
Why, oh why, can’t I?Why can’t I hear you when the storms starts to fall
Why aren’t you there when I need you most?

Bridge:
God, be near
God, be near
God, I’m crying out to you
God, be near tonight

Just something I wrote, it's dumb, I know.

Tomorrow

I'm getting baptized tomorrow, and I so don't know if I'm ready for this or not. I'm flipping out right now. It's my only chance, ever with my church to get baptized, and I don't know if I'm ready for this, it just came up so fast, and now it's happening tomorrow, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for this. I feel like I got so fired up for it on Wednesday, and now I'm flipping out about. There will be so many people coming just to watch me, and I don't know if I'm really ready for this. Guess, it's what I'm doing tomorrow, and I don't plan on letting go of it.

With 4 word, You created light
With 3 words, You calmed a storm
With love and compassion,
You healed the sick
And befriended the poor
When you spoke, many listened
When you walked, many followed

Chorus:
You deserve more than you get
You deserve all control
Why can't we just understand that?
What has to happen to make us give it all to you?

We can't do this on our own
Although we wish we could
We like control, and hate giving it away
We want to have all control
But really you deserve it

Bridge:
It's all yours
I give it all to you (2x)

That's what I want with my life, I want God to have it, I want Him to use me as His servant. I want to be used for his ministry. I feel a calling in me, and I want to follow it. Maybe I am excited for my baptism, cause that's the truth of it all, that's my truth, I'm going to go out there and get baptized, and that's my next step, and my way to show others that my life is in God's hands and let them keep me accountable for that.

This is for Dani

This is for Dani, because she said that she really needs something to read, and yeah, I haven't updated in awhile, so this is all for her... cause I've got nothing else to talk about. She was all on my case for not updating in awhile, (which was true), so I decided to make this loverly post just for her, well cause I have nothing better to do. And man, have I ever missed talking to her in awhile, its been a whole two days, as she says, I'm unsure if that's true or not, well yeah I guess it was two days ago. Yeah, but world, just so ya know, Dani's pretty awesome, and ya know, I am pretty lucky to know her, exspecially cause she hangs out with me, but I guess she's pretty weird too, the only reason I hang out with her is cause her mom pays me. I'm not sure I ever want to talk to her again though, after last time, cause she laughed her head off at me, which wasn't very nice, I was extremely hurt, so I hung up on her. Anyway, as you can see, we have some pretty good times together. There's other times when we are completely serious, and yeah, that's fun too though, cause she's a pretty amazing listener, and encourager to me, and I love her for that. But yeah, the food on the table is calling, so I must hither away now... but I love you, Dani, and I sure hope this blog was good enough for you. :)

You Win!

Left hand positioned, right hand positioned
I'm ready for a fight, Who will win today?
You want my life, I won't give it to you
You want control, keep dreamin

It's a fight everyday
Who will win today?

You win!
Cause your stronger
You win!
Cause you've got the power
You win!
Cause I can't do it on my own
You win!

The fight begins as a even match
I think I could beat you today
The fight begins and you push me down
Just as fast as the clock begins
I'm down

You win!
So here's my life
You win!
So you have control
You win!
My life is yours
You win!
It's all yours.

That's something... I could have potently wrote it, then again most likely I didn't. But that's for you to figure out. Now... hidden message? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. :)

Another Star Story

Last night, I was sitting outside with some friends, and we were star gazing, and doing like a little question thing, and you know, just having some fun and talking, one of the things I personally do best, and yeah.

I was sitting there, with my two closest friends, one on each side and just thinking about God, and how amazing and powerful he is. And I don't know what went through my head, but I was thinking about God and my life. How much control he does have of my life, and how much he should. Cause, he is all powerful and it's so hard for me to try and control my own life, and I don't know, I was just thinking about my life, and how God puts people around me to support me and lift me up when I can't go on anymore, and how God I try to take my life into my own hands, and how God, the one who created everything with just a few words, and how me, a little grain of sand in the world won't be able to do much without him on my side. And there are things I feel that I need to do, and what God's plan for my life is, and I know I can't do them on my own, but I'm that kind of person who hates asking people for help, even God, I like to do things on my own, even though I know I can't.

There is a song by Toby Mac and it goes...
Cause I'm letting go of everything I am
And I'm holding on to everything You are
I'm letting go of everything I once was
I'm all in
I'm fallin' into Your arms again
I'm letting go
I'm letting go

And sometimes I think that it has to be that way with me, cause I need to let go of what I hold on to, and let go of my plans, my hopes, my dreams, and my control, and hold on to what God has in store for me, and let Him have the control he deserves.

I know this doesn't make sense, it all made sense in my head. :)

The stars...


As I sat one night, up at camp, looking out into the stars above me, the amazing and bright stars, in the middle of all the fields, I thought about the Creator, and how he created each and every one of those stars. He took each star, and they were all hand crafted by Him. Then he took all of them, and placed them just where he wanted them to be and glow. And when you think about that, and you compare it to us, and think about how much MORE important to him we are, it's amazing.


He took each one of us too, and he hand crafted us all, just the way we are, perfectly made, without a single mistake. And as the stars were made perfect, they were also placed perfectly just where they belong, so they can shine bright, and be used just for what God wants them to do. And it's the same with us. We were each placed in our own place, our own situation for a reason, a reason that we don't even know about. We were put there so that God could do His work through us. We are special to him, and each and everyone of us was created just the way we are for a reason. We each are placed JUST where we are supposed to be, with the exact life style for a reason...

That's my star gazing story...

Running

Sometimes life is just too hard. Sometimes pain is really painful, sometimes you just want to get up and run away from life. I don't know what has gone on in your guys' lives, but I know for me, sometimes it just feels like running.

Ya know the days that totally stink? For me, I think the worst ones are when they are going great, and the something happens, and it all is a downfall from there. Sometimes on those days, all you want to do is run away from life. You can't handle it anymore. Maybe all this is just me, maybe I'm the only person who has days like this, I really don't know, cause I don't know every detail of your life and what has gone on in your life.

I don't know what went on today, I don't know what has been going on in your life. I don't know what kind of pain you keep inside, or what kind of things go wrong. I don't know if you have ever felt like running away from it all.

But, if you are like me, you understand pain, you understand that people expect you to be tough, you understand what holding everything in is, you know what it feels like when you just have days when all you want to do is run away from everything, and not come back to it. But, maybe your not like me, maybe everything always goes right for you, I don't know.

But, for me, it was just last night, I was sitting in my room, and all I wanted to do was run away. Then, I talked to one of my friends, and although she didn't do much, although she just listened to me, it helped me sooooo much. She encouraged me, and told me that I had to trust God, and it was just when I felt I didn't have any more strength to move on, that I gained just a little. And when I wanted to run, I was reminded of the place to run, its so easy for me to just get mad at God and want to run away from Him, but really it's where I need TO run, it was time for me to come back, for the one I tend to leave. Cause, I can't do it on my own.

And when you run, run to God, cause His arms are open wide for you, and He loves you. And no matter what He is to you, a friend, a father, a Saviour, no matter what he's still going to be there for you, no matter what. :)

My thoughts, I dunno.

Future

It was a dark, yet calm night as Abby lay in the green grass contained in her front yard. She lay there, looking at the stars above her, thinking. Her mind was filled with many different things that had gone on that day. The message her pastor gave that morning in Church, the things that went on with her friends at school, the fights she got into, the fights with her parents, her brother, her family. But mostly, she was thinking about what they had talked about in Church that morning.

She remembered her pastor talking about the future, and how God had it all planned out, but for her, that wasn't easy for her to do. She didn't want to give God her life and her all, she loved having the control and being able to control her own life on her own. She liked being able to have the power to do whatever she wanted. She didn't want someone to tell her and lead her to where she was going, she wanted to walk on her own. She lay looking into the night sky, the stars shining brightly, although all she wanted was the control she had. She remember that he pastor had said it would be easier when God had control, but she didn't like that, she loved the control she had. But for some reason, she decided to just for once try it, let God have the control for once, let God plan her future.

And ya know, sometimes that's all of us. We like to control what's going on here, or what's happening there. We like to have the power and control what's going on around us, and we don't want to let God plan our future. And sometimes I know for me, I like my own future cause I see what's coming up ahead. We like being able to see what's coming ahead in our future, and with God we can't do that, because God has his own plans, but they are so much better then our own. We serve an awesome God, and sometimes we just have to be able to let it all go, and lay it at his feet, instead of keeping all the control for ourselves.

Stupid, but just thinking.

Ya I really don't know.

Who knew that a late night/early morning conversation could turn into something that got my mind going, and got me to think. Who knew that something someone said could change a whole lot? Who knew there was a reason that I would go to a friends house last night? Who knew that there was a reason that things went the way they did? Who knew? I didn't, but God did.

It was about 4:00am in the morning when you said what you did. When the words came out of your mouth. When what you said was placed in my head. When I realized that it's not just me, it's not just you, it's everyone. When you said the things you said, I thought for a moment, but that's nothing like you, but then I remember this little thing called a mask.

Yes, we all have one, we all play them out at sometime or another. I would have never guessed that you would have gone through anything, I never would have been able to tell, I never could have guessed it, but you told me. You have a mask, I have a mask, we all do. No matter if we want to admit it or not, around someone we all have a mask, or we put up walls so that people can't go into certain areas of us. For different people it's different things, but somehow and for some reason, we like to fake that every thing's always okay. For some reason, we all like to push the pain and the hurt away.

For me, it may be different. My barriers may be different than yours, my mask may not be the same as yours and most likely isn't the same. No matter the case or the reason, we all have a different story, we have things that we hide from other people, there are things we don't tell anyone. There are things that no one, but you knows. There are days when you play the "happy mask" and try to cover everything up. But, when you look at a person, all you see is the outside layer, the first layer. When you look at a building that you have never been in before, you don't know what the inside looks like until you get there. It's the same with us. When you look at a person, all you see is the outside of that person, maybe the mask, not the real person.

You have layers that you have to go through before you can get to the bottom layer. You have places you have to go before you can see what is really happening to them. We all like the masks, maybe some are really good at wearing them too. Really good at faking everyone out. Really good at making everything look okay. Maybe it's because no one ever asks them how they really are, or what's going on in life. Sometimes it's not as easy to see what's going on from the outside, without being able to see the inside, the hurt, the pain, the scars.

I don't know what's gone on in YOUR life, I don't know what YOUR dealing with right now. Maybe I haven't seen the real you, maybe all I've seen is your mask, maybe that's all anyone has seen. Maybe you haven't shown anyone what's behind that mask, maybe you've closed off everything and hid everything from the world, all the pain in you. I don't know what's going on in your life today, right now, I don't know the pain you are dealing with, but I do know that God has an awesome plan for your life. I know what pains life, I've been there, I felt it, but I also know that God will always be there and be by your side. I don't know what's coming up ahead, but God does. And if you haven't let anyone see what's behind that mask, just know that someone does know, and you don't have to hide from him. When you need someone to listen, he'll always be there and listen, and you can't hide anything from him, cause he already knows. And I encourage you, if you haven't shown anyone, I encourage you to find a friend that you trust, and talk to them, cause sometimes it's hard to keep everything in, and sometimes talking to a close friend can help. And they can pray for you and such, but that's just my advice.

And don't forget, God created you with a plan, I know it won't always be easy, but we have to wait on his time, and when you have no strength to move on, just fall on him, he'll catch you.

Forever

I can't promise you forever
Cause I know that a promise I can't keep
I can't say I'll always be your friend
Cause I can't promise that either
I can't say we'll never break our friendship
Or that we'll always be together
Cause, that too is a promise I can't keep
I can't promise that we won't lose touch
Cause maybe we will
I don't know whats coming up for me in life
I don't see my future
I don't know the places I'll go
The things I'll go through
I don't know what will happen tomorrow,
Or even the things I'll say today
But, God does...
I don't know the plans that God has laid before me
I don't know what he wants to do with my life
Or what he will put me through
I don't know if I will know you forever
Or if one day our friendship will end
I can't make a promise that we'll always be friend
Cause I'm not sure if I can keep that promise
But the promise I'll give you is this..
I'll be the friend that I can be to you
Until the time when God tells me my times up here
I'll be the best friend that I can to you
Until we part
I don't know what's going to happen in my future
But, I know God does
And I trust that his plans are better then my own
I won't make a promise to you that I know I can't keep
Forever is one of those
But I will promise you,
That I'll be the best friend that I can
For the time I am lucky enough to be with you
I know I won't be a perfect friend
I know I'll mess up
I won't promise you I'll be a perfect friend
Cause that is one thing I know I can't keep
I'll try my best, give my best effort
But there will be a time I will have to part
I don't know what it is but there will be a time
But if you want a friend that will never leave you,
Don't chose me, or any person
Chose God
He'll never leave you
He'll always be by your side
And he can promise you the things I can't
He'll always be there...
Forever
I won't be, I won't say I will, cause I know I won't
But God will never leave you, he'll be with you forever
He can promise you forever
He's the best friend you could ever ask for
Lean on him
He's sturdy and won't fall
I can't promise forever,
But God can

Yup... This is dumb

It's a game we all like to play
It's a world we like to fake
It's the truth we want to hide
It's the pain we don't show inside
It's the mask we chose to wear
So we don't have to show our tears
It's a choice we have to make
If we chose to fake
We like to fake it cause it seems easier
We like to play these game
And make the world believe us
You may say you've got it all
When really you have nothing
You can come to me with a mask
You can hide all you want from me
But you can't hide it from God
He knows it all
And no matter how hard you try to hide it,
It won't work
You can hide it from me
I can't make you show it to me
You can only chose to
I know I may not understand you or your pain,
But God does
He'll listen
He loves you
Your his child
And when you fall he'll catch you
When you cry, he'll catch each tear in his hand
You can't hide it from him
You can't hide the facts of what he already knows
You can fake it with me, but you can't fake it with the one who created you
With a plan and a purpose

Stupid Once Again

This thing is can be both painful and fun
It can be hard and easy
Stressful or not a care in the world
Happy or sad
Glad or mad
It can be fun and not so fun
Each and every person has one
And this things called life.

God breathed life into each and everyone of us, but that wasn't the life I was talking about. Yes, it's the life that your walking and breathing. But, it's not that kind of life. It's the life in which you take each step, and you can either go and do this or that. Life can turn out this way, or that way. It could be hard, or it could be easy.

But, I can tell ya, my life wasn't what you'd call easy for the longest time. You see, I like control, I like being able to control myself and chose what I want to do and where I want to go. I want MY WILL, I want MY PLAN in life, I don't want to follow God's, mines better. There's a beginning, and I know what I'm planning in the near future. Yeah, I love that power, I love the control of being able to control this thing called life.

But, God doesn't seem to follow that plan. He seems to not care about my plans, but has plans of His own. he doesn't really seem to care about what I want, he just does what he wants. He decides he wants me to fall, he lets me, he decide to put me through this, and does, and I don't even have a say in it.

It's so much easier, to slam him out, let him go, drop him off on the curb a few feet back. It's so much easier to take the wheel for ourselves, and go just where we want to, where we planned. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you'll never get what you want, you'll never get your will, but you'll get God's. '

If I had a choice, I wouldn't live the life I life right now. It's painful and hard at time, it's a big pain, and sometimes I just want out, but don't we all. Sometimes it feels like all God's doing is making me go through all this hard stuff, and there is nothing good in life, but that's when God surprises you.

The truth is, is that we have to be able to let go of that control, let go of our own lives, let go of the burdens and pains that we hold so tightly, that we try so hard to hide from God. (how dumb are we?) We can't hide anything from God, he knows everything, including your future. He knows what you want, and he knows what will happen. He knows that there will be pain, but he also sees what's ahead.

It's so easy for us to just take control, but we have to come to the cross, come to Jesus' face, take the things we hold, take our own life, and lay it down. And maybe your running from God right now, and maybe your tight with him. But for those of you who are drifting away, is it time for you to come home to your Father's open arms? Is it time for you to lay it all down at his feet? Is it time to let go of what you hold on to and let God take control?

I don't know your life story, but I do know one thing, and it's this... no matter how hard it is, no matter where you are, God has a plan for your life, and maybe it's not your will being done, but I hate to be the one to break it to you, but it will never be your will, but it will be God's will all the way.

You

I could tell you a sad, sad story, about a girl just like you and me
Or I could sing you a happy song of how I was rescued

I could tell you about the pain and hurt
Or I could tell you about the smile after

I could tell you how I was rescued
Or I could tell you how much it hurt

I could tell you it's easy
Or I could tell you it's hard

I could tell you, you like power, and control
I could tell you, I do too

But, I don't have control, and guess who does?
God does.

He created me
He made me
He wants to use me, if only I'd let him

I take my life, hold it on my hands,
I lay it down, down at your feet
I let go of the pain, the hurt, the things I've held so tight
I lay it all at your feet.


That was stupid. Okay yeah, don't ask.

You Don't Understand

You don't understand what I've been through.
You don't see all the tears I've cried.
You don't see all the times when a little word can hurt me so much.
You don't understand how hard life can be.
You don't understand the pain.
You don't understand the hurt,
you don't know what it's like to have to lie to everyone about what goes on.

You don't understand
You'll never know
You don't understand how much it hurts to be me

You haven't seen the least of it
You don't know how much it hurts me
You've never seen me cry,
You've never seen my true pain

You'll never know till you've been there
You'll never know how hard it is to endure pain,
Until you've been there
You'll never know my pain until your there
and wish you could get out

You'll never know true pain till you feel it
You'll never understand how hard it is to fake it
You'll never understand cause your not me

You'll never know my pain
You'll never understand it
You'll never see the uncried tears
You'll never know my pain

-lyrics by Annoymous.

Yesterday

I was reading my Bible yesterday (wow shocker I know, I can read!:) ) I was reading a passage in Psalms, and David was praising God, and writing a Psalm of thanksgiving to the Lord. It got me to thinking, I am so greedy. I take everything for granted that God has given me. I don't think twice about the little thing in life, or being thankful for them.

Like each morning when I get up, that I can see, hear, walk, that I can move. The I can live and breathe, and that when I get up out of that nice bed, do I even think twice about being able to live in a warm house, and not having to sleep on concrete, but I get a nice bed. When I walk out into the nice day outside, do I even think about how I am so lucky to be able to get into a car, and drive to a nice school with great teachers, and friends. I never even take the time to say, "thanks God." I just take it all for granted. My family, my friends, the "little" things like being able to walk and breathe and move.

I look at my life, and all I see is the bad things that have gone on, the hard days, the bad things in life, the things that go wrong, and I go and blame God for them. I get mad at God for the little things that go wrong, and the good I just forget. The good things in life, the simple good things, I just forget about. The bad is all I think about, the good is just whatever. But when you think about it, God has blessed us with so much. And when I look at my life, I see so many great things. When I just take the time to look around, I have so much compared to so many people.

I'm just talking, writing, whatever... nothing important. But whatever.

Tonight

I feel the wind in my face, I feel the grass against my ankles, I feel the tears stream down my face, I feel my arm slam the door shut. I feel alone. I'm running, running from this life. I'm running fast and I'm running hard. Today was too hard, this life is too hard, it seems so much easier to just run. I've gotten a head start, I've run away from life as fast as I could. I've left all the pain behind. I've left God, the one who seems to be causing all this. I've decided it's not worth working hard for it, I let go. I ran. I've left all my friends, I've left God.

Maybe this is you. All you want to do is run. Maybe you have an aching pain inside you, maybe life stinks. Maybe it would just be so much easier to run. Maybe running from everything, including God seems to be the easy way out. Maybe you've slammed the door shut on God, just like you would do to your annoying sibling. Maybe you've slammed that door shut on God's face, pushed him out. Maybe life's just too hard, and you blame God for hurting you. Maybe your blaming God for everything that's gone on. Maybe running just seems to much easier then facing life. Maybe the pain is just too great, and all you want to do is let go, give up, and run. Facing life is hard, so why not just run?

But, even when you slam the door on God, he doesn't slam the door on you. When you slam the door shut right on his face, he doesn't slam the door back on you. He waits for you, waits for you to open the door for him. He waits for you to turn around, he waits for you to come home. And when you decide to, he will be sitting there, waiting for you, he will be waiting with open arms, telling you to come, saying that he loves you. He never shut the door on you, you shut it on him. He's waiting for you to come back home.

Maybe your life's hard, maybe you've given up, run from everything, run from God. Maybe you feel that God wouldn't even want you to come back if you decided to come back. But, God is waiting for you to come home, come back. Maybe tonight, today, this very moment, it's time for you to come home. Maybe it's time for you to come and feel the embrace of your Savior, maybe it's time for you to come and sit on the lap of your Father, talk to him, sit on His lap, cry on his shoulder, be in his presence. Or maybe it just doesn't feel like he wants you, but guess what? I'm here to tell you at this moment that God loves you so much and wants you. He loves you and cares for you so much that he sent his son to DIE that painful death on the cross for you. He never slammed the door shut on you, he's sitting there, waiting for you. When you have no strength to move on, God will give you some. After all, he created you with an awesome plan, and he knows there is pain in your life, he knows your life may not be easy, he knows that you ran, and he's sitting there and waiting for you to come home.

He's been waiting for you to come home, he's been sitting and waiting for you ever since you left. And maybe this very day, this night, this very moment, maybe right now, it's time for you to come home...

Think

I think about you everyday, I think about what in the world I am supposed to say to you. When I look at you and see you down, I worry about you all the time. I'm look at you and I know I'm the one who messed us up. As I look at you, I look into your eyes, and I see you happy. I see you smiling, I see you with your friends, I see you having fun. I see the place where I used to stand, I see the space where I use to sit, now filled by the millions of other friends you have. I see the friends that have replaced me, I see the smiles that use to fill my face every time we would be together, now turn into the aching pain I feel every time I see your face. The pain of how I know I messed this up so bad. The things I told you, the things we would talk about, all the times we told each other we wouldn't be like the other friends, and we really would be friends forever, guess that didn't last. I know it's all my fault, and I know there is nothing I can do. I have tried so hard to fix stuff between us, I have tried to talk to you, but you just push me away. I know you don't have time for the one who left you.

I didn't mean to leave you, I didn't walk out on you. Who knew such a small misunderstanding could lead to all this? I feel like I tried so hard to let this friendship move on, but you seemed to not care, you gave up on me. I wish you could read this right now and know how I felt. I wish you understood that I still love you and care about you, but I guess you just hate me. I used to think I could somehow fix this all, guess I was wrong. I want to talk to you and work this out, but you've moved on.

The place where I used to stand is now taken by all the new friends that have replaced me. I look over at you, and I see you smiling, I'm happy to see that, but when I look at all the new friends you are with, it reminds me of all the fun times we had together, but because of a small understanding, I guess it's all over now.

Side note: The video below this post is a family at my church, and I don't know I thought their story was cool, and just wanted to share it, watch it if you want to, you don't have to, your choice.

Mikayla

I feel it piercing into me.
The words you say,
The complaints you give me
The millions of times over and over you say how bad you are
The times you yell at me every time I say a word
Do you know how bad the hurts?
Do you not see all the tears streaming down my face, when you aren't looking?
Do you not know how appreciated and loved you are?
Whatever happened to the times we used to spend together
The times we would hang out, and laugh together
The fun times we used to have together
The days before she moved
Why did they all leave?
Why now is it just you yelling at me?
I know I'm not perfect, and it hurts to hear it from you
What do you want me to do?
I can't do everything the way you want it
I'm not your perfect little child
I'm sorry.
I know I'm a disappointment to you and just make your life harder
Sorry you have to deal with me.
I really am sorry.

I wish...

I wish just for one moment that it would all go away
I wish just for one moment I could be sitting beside you talking to you
I wish just for one moment the rest of the world would go away and all I could see was you
I wish I could tell you everything that goes on
I wish I could tell you the truth
I wish just for a moment I could know you understood
I wish just for a moment I would be bold enough to speak
I wish just for a moment I could tell you the truth from my heart
I wish the world was different, and that hurt wasn't such a big part of it
I wish the pain could simple go away
I wish it wouldn't keep coming back the memories of you...
The uncried tears
The unshown pain
The things I've held so close and lost
The pain I've never talked about
The pain that's never shown through the smile
The tears in my eyes that don't fall
The pain I can't let go
This life is hard, shouldn't say I never expected that
But, I haven't let go yet
I've learned to lean on you
To let you lead me
And there is nothing else I can do but follow

The Gathering

This is at my church, and it's the service that I go to, and I would have to say it's pretty awesome. That in a commercial that is on certain channels on TV, and I found it, and just thought it was cool to see what people said about it. I agree, I think it it great. In case you couldn't tell from the video, this is a more upbeat service and its more laid back and just awesome. It is based to the setting where it is more for teens, and everything is more relaxed and understandable for young adults, and student. Just wanted to share that with you! :)

The Day

I still remember the day when those words were spoken to me, those words I will never forget. The words that meant I was losing someone I loved. The words that my Dad said to me as I walked into the car that night after a fall retreat. To any other person, it wouldn't have matter, to anyone else it wouldn't have been a big deal, but for me it was. The words hurt and I still remember that day, like it was yesterday.

I came home from a fall retreat with my church. I got in the car, and was happy, and having a great day. I had just gotten home from a really awesome fall retreat. I got in the car with my dad, and we started to drive home. I told him about the weekend, and then it came. The words I never wish he would have said, the words that went down and pierced my heart and my smile and good times like a huge knife cutting off that smile, and hitting my heart so hard, I felt like this wasn't the first time this had happened. I had already lost a mom, and now the person in my life that I could call mom was gone. She was moving a long way away. She was gone without the words goodbye, she was just gone. My Dad said the words to me, and I remember that very moment. He said to me, "She's moving to Colorado." My immediate reaction, was isn't she going to come back to get her stuff, sell her house and all that, and I was happy, cause I would get to see her before she left, well no luck there. She had her house sold by her daughter and her daughter packed everything up for her and they moved out there. I never saw her again, and I never saw her since. As I sat in the back seat of the car, I could feel the tear building up inside of me, the only person I could call mom was now gone. The words hurt me and burned in me. I tried really hard not to cry, I didn't want to look dumb. The words played over and over in my head. The pain was so great, I didn't know what to do. It hurt for me to know that I would never be able to go have days out with her anymore, she couldn't take me away from my family, talk to me, show her care to me, talk to me, love me, be there for me. She was gone, and never did I get to say goodbye to her, give her a final hug, tell her that I would miss her, she was just gone.

I'm not putting this up here so that I can get pity, but to give you a glimpse of what God does in my life. He took her away from my life, and he left me with these words.

"Kate, I know that plans I have for you, they are plans to prosper you and not to harm you, they are plans to give you a hope and a future. Kate, I have an awesome plan for your life, when you don't have strength to move on, fall on me. When you cry, I will catch every tear in the palm of my hand. When no one will listen, I will listen to you for just as long as you want. When you get to sick of this life that you want to run, run to me, my arm are open wide. Come and sit on my lap, talk to me, I'll be here for you. Cause, guess what Kate?! I have a really awesome plan for your life, all I need you to do is trust me."

I'm not asking for pity, I'm showing you how awesome our God is, and how his awesome plans are so much better then what we expect. I would love to tell you that I'm over everything, but I mean it isn't always easy, I still cry cause I miss her, it still hurts me to see her gone, but I know that God's there for me, and he placed some awesome friends in my life who are there for me and keep me smiling and catch me when I fall, and tell me it will be okay. God knows what hes doing for your life too, you just have to trust him and wait on his time.

God's Courts

As it was said in chapel, the song will never be sung in the same way, I won't ever sing that song again, without thinking about what he said, and the story he told. In the movie "Bridge to Terabithia", the main dude, I don't remember his name, makes a little boat like thing you could call it and he puts it into the water. Once he does that and he sets it on the water, as he places it into the water, he says, "she is in your hands now."

For me, it's just comforting to know that she's in God's hands. It was part of God's plan that she isn't here anymore, he chose to take her and let her play in his courts. You take your pick at what kind of court it is, but I just imagine her up there playing in his court. And when I remember that, it just brightens my day. I have to face the pity I get from people around me everyday for not having a mom, and I have a new response, rather then getting mad about it, or letting it ruin my day, it has become a simple answer, and it's this. Ya know what, it's okay. It's all part of God's plan. Because, I've learned that pity isn't going to help me, but if I get mad about it, and let it ruin the day, it doesn't make things any worse, and anyway, it's all part of God's plan, he knew what he was doing, and I just have to wait on his time, to see what he wants to do with me.

Playing in God's court now, not here, she's done here, but now she is up there, playing in God's court.

I know this was an incredible dumb post, but just wanted to put it out there...

Think

Last night at church, I really got to thinking, and I mean I've thought about this before, but it hit me really hard last night. I went to church last night, as I always do, and I mean nothing was different, I mean yeah it was Easter, and they had an Easter theme, but as always I wasn't totally with it, I'm always here and there, I can never just sit and listen, but last night just for a moment, I could.

It was Easter yesterday, and I just thought about it. Jesus never did HAVE to die, he chose to, and it was for me? I mean, why me? I am so messed up, I thought about the millions of times I had messed stuff up just that very day, and how i do so much wrong in just a simple time. I am no where near close to perfect, but yet Jesus wanted to die for me? Why would he want to die for me? The automatic response, was because he loves you and he didn't have to die for you, he chose to. I thought, but I'm selfish, and a jerk, I mess stuff up all the time, why would a perfect person want to die for me? Why would anyone want to die for me? Why in the world would someone as perfect as him want to die for... me? Why would he love me? Why does anyone love me? Because he loves me, and he loves you, he didn't have to die on that cross and take that painful death, he chose to. And yet, I am so selfish. I don't have enough time to spend just an hour talking to him during a day, but yet I have millions of hours to talk to my friends and sit around and do nothing, but I don't have time to spend with my Saviour.

God is awesome, the best friend in the world, he did so much for me, now it's my time to thank him.... for calling me a child.

My Life

My story all begins when I was a little girl, around the age of 18 months. Our family was coming home from a family vacation, and my Mom's vessel that was carrying blood to her heart broke. The plain took an emergency landing, and my Mom was rushed to the hospital, and she died soon after. As a little girl, it never really affected me. After all, I never really met her. I mean, sure I knew her when I was little, but I lost her when I was 1 ½, so I mean, yeah I met her, but I never really knew her at all.

I have grown up in a Christian home my whole life. I accepted Christ at the young age of 4. I never really did understand what it meant, other then one day I would go to heaven when I died. My Dad always set an example on my life for Christ, and how to live for him.

My Dad has always had a verse posted on our fridge. I never really understood what it meant for a long time, but it has now become my all time favorite verse. The verse is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harmyou, plans to give you a hope and future." This verse meant a lot to me, because it showed me that God really did have a plan for my life.

Not having a mom, for me, has never been easy. I live with two guys, and yeah they are awesome, but it can be really hard at time not having a Mom around. For the longest time, I always felt like God had just wanted to make things hard for me, and there was nothing that I could do about it. Everything with me just seemed a little messed up. I never really thought that this whole me not having a mom thing could be part of his plan. That verse just showed me, that God really does just have a plan for my life and it's better then I could ever imagine. The verse says, that they plans to prosper you and not to harm you.

Someone once said to me, that to get to the top of a mountain, you have to climb up it, and that we have to go through the trails of life to get to the top of the mountain. We can't just get there, we will go through hard times, and there will be times when we struggle with things that are going on, but God knows what he's doing, he has an awesome plan for my life, and I just have to wait on his time. I know that isn't always easy for me to do, but I just have to trust him and be ready for his plan, and trust that it is better then my own.

I would love to end this saying that everything is going great now, but it's not the truth. Thing don't always go my way, and I still go through hard times and struggles, but I have learned to trust God, and fall on him. God has awesome stuff in store for me, I just have to wait on his time. God blesses me every day with the things that he puts me through and the people he puts in my life. God has given me some awesome friend that remind me not to give up, and that God has a plan for everything that he does.

I don't understand everything that God does in my life, and why he puts me through everything that he does, but I know that he does everything for a reason. He had a reason for me not having a mom, and when it's his time, he will show me that plan.

Maybe you have a life like mine, not so perfect, maybe in your life it just seems that everything goes wrong and you just mess up everything, but just remember this, that no matter what you are going through, God has a plan for it. He created you with a plan and a purpose, and we just have to wait on his time to see it. He has awesome stuff in store for you, just wait… on his time. And when you feel like you can't go on anymore, God will give you strength, and when you fall, he will catch you. He loves you and he created with an awesome plan and a purpose, better then you could ever imagine. You just have to wait on his time