God has been laying something on my heart a lot lightly, and it's out of my comfort zone. God has been calling me into different areas of leadership. And your thinking, what's wrong with that?
All my life, I have been a follower, I don't want to be the way to set a trend, and I don't want to be the person telling someone they are wrong, or whatever. Second off, I don't want to be a leader, I have been living all my life as a follower, and yeah not saying I don't have some clones around, but I mean it's not like I have actually talked about it. My faith is so important to me, but no one would have any idea, because I don't talk about my feelings much.
But, God has been giving me ideas, and telling me, "Kate, it's time you got out of your comfort zone and started helping those around you, instead of just sitting and watching." Here's the thing, for a whole 13 years of my life, I have watched, sat in the bleachers, and God is finally calling out of that.
Magnificent Holy Father
I stand in awe of all I see
Of all the things You have created
But still You choose to think of me
Who am I that You should suffer
Your very life to set me free
The only thing that I can give You
Is the life You gave to me
This is my offering, dear Lord
This is my offering to You, God
And I will give You my life
For it’s all I have to give
Because You gave Your life for me
And sometimes, I know for a fact that when I sit in the bleachers, I am not using the life that God gave me in the right way. I could do so much more with it, but I don't. I want to be an offering to you, God, an offering with my life.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving you say? Doesn't excite me. Sitting around home, looking at everything around me, doesn't make me feel proud, doesn't make me want anything better. You ask, shouldn't you be thankful on thanksgiving? Shouldn't you be thankful for those around you? Yeah, sure I'm thankful for my Dad and my brother, but sometimes they can just be a pain. And sometimes, I get overwhelmed.
But maybe, today it is time to just step back and look around me. I am surrounded by a huge group of friends, all around me, catching me when I fall, catching my tears on their shoulders when I cry, supporting me through thick and thin, being people I can count on. Yeah, maybe sometimes they all aren't there, and maybe sometimes I wish there was other people in my life, but ya know, all in all, I have to look back and see all the blessings that I do have.
Yeah, life stinks so much sometimes, and yeah, there are so many times I want to run away from my life, and so many times, I just wish that the rest of the pain of everything goes away, it doesn't seem to listen. But, sometimes I just have to remember that God will put me through hard stuff, but that's when I need to just fall down, and say God, I know I can't do this on my own, sometimes God brings me to points where all I can is look up at God, and say I was made to be dependent, and I need you.
And yeah, I'm sick of hearing God's got a plan for my life, but I know it's true, and I can't help but smile to know that. I may hate life, but maybe it's just time to look and see that God really does have a plan, and knew what he was doing when he put each and everything thing in my life.
"You give and take away, you give and take away, and my heart will CHOSE TO SAY Lord, blessed be your name."
Yeah, it does hurt sometimes around the holidays, when people spend all the time and talk about all the blast they had/have with their family, and yeah it does hurt sometimes to watch you all smile, when pain surrounds me, but the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, and it all ends up in His plan.
"You give and take away, and my heart will CHOSE to say, Lord blessed be your name."
But maybe, today it is time to just step back and look around me. I am surrounded by a huge group of friends, all around me, catching me when I fall, catching my tears on their shoulders when I cry, supporting me through thick and thin, being people I can count on. Yeah, maybe sometimes they all aren't there, and maybe sometimes I wish there was other people in my life, but ya know, all in all, I have to look back and see all the blessings that I do have.
Yeah, life stinks so much sometimes, and yeah, there are so many times I want to run away from my life, and so many times, I just wish that the rest of the pain of everything goes away, it doesn't seem to listen. But, sometimes I just have to remember that God will put me through hard stuff, but that's when I need to just fall down, and say God, I know I can't do this on my own, sometimes God brings me to points where all I can is look up at God, and say I was made to be dependent, and I need you.
And yeah, I'm sick of hearing God's got a plan for my life, but I know it's true, and I can't help but smile to know that. I may hate life, but maybe it's just time to look and see that God really does have a plan, and knew what he was doing when he put each and everything thing in my life.
"You give and take away, you give and take away, and my heart will CHOSE TO SAY Lord, blessed be your name."
Yeah, it does hurt sometimes around the holidays, when people spend all the time and talk about all the blast they had/have with their family, and yeah it does hurt sometimes to watch you all smile, when pain surrounds me, but the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, and it all ends up in His plan.
"You give and take away, and my heart will CHOSE to say, Lord blessed be your name."
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
MY STUPID LIFE!!
Ever just wish for a second, that people would leave you alone? Ever just wish people would stop doing something so badly, but they don't listen? This is all I want out of the world. I want people to stinkin just stop pitying me? Whats pity you may ask? Maybe that's the first place to start. Pity is giving me sympathy for something I don't need or want it for, in other words, giving my sympathy that won't help me at all in the near future, or in any future.
People, stop watching me in pain, and saying I'm sorry! Stop standing around me and complaining how you don't like this, when your mom's gone and it's just you and your dad, stop complaining to me about that, cause guess what, THAT'S MY LIFE! I have no pity for you, and I don't want pity back in return. So get over your complaining about how it's only when your Mom is gone, cause my mom has been gone for 12 and a half YEARS! Hear that, not like tiny little days, years, years!! This isn't little things, this isn't lies, this is the flat out truth of my entire life.
You don't know what it's like to sit around your whole life waiting to see what in the world God was thinking in this. You don't know how much it hurts to look at your perfect life, when mine is falling into pieces. You want someone to understand the little things, well guess what, I want someone to understand this too, but guess what, no one does. So get over your complaing about how your Mom's going to be gone for 2 days, wait till your Mom is gone for 12 and a half years and is NEVER COMING BACK!
Yes, I don't have a Mom, and yes it kills like nothing else. And don't even try to tell me you understand cause you don't. You haven't been there, your great uncles grandpa's cousins plumber dieing doesn't even count. Not in any ways, cause when your standing in my spot, you see it's a whole lot different, a whole lot more painful, and a whole lot more wanting and needing someone around.
So don't tell me you understand until you ARE STANDING WHERE I HAVE STOOD THE PAST 12 AND A HALF YEARS OF MY LIFE!
People, stop watching me in pain, and saying I'm sorry! Stop standing around me and complaining how you don't like this, when your mom's gone and it's just you and your dad, stop complaining to me about that, cause guess what, THAT'S MY LIFE! I have no pity for you, and I don't want pity back in return. So get over your complaining about how it's only when your Mom is gone, cause my mom has been gone for 12 and a half YEARS! Hear that, not like tiny little days, years, years!! This isn't little things, this isn't lies, this is the flat out truth of my entire life.
You don't know what it's like to sit around your whole life waiting to see what in the world God was thinking in this. You don't know how much it hurts to look at your perfect life, when mine is falling into pieces. You want someone to understand the little things, well guess what, I want someone to understand this too, but guess what, no one does. So get over your complaing about how your Mom's going to be gone for 2 days, wait till your Mom is gone for 12 and a half years and is NEVER COMING BACK!
Yes, I don't have a Mom, and yes it kills like nothing else. And don't even try to tell me you understand cause you don't. You haven't been there, your great uncles grandpa's cousins plumber dieing doesn't even count. Not in any ways, cause when your standing in my spot, you see it's a whole lot different, a whole lot more painful, and a whole lot more wanting and needing someone around.
So don't tell me you understand until you ARE STANDING WHERE I HAVE STOOD THE PAST 12 AND A HALF YEARS OF MY LIFE!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Ashes for Beauty?
Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay EVERY burden down
At the foot of the cross
Walking through life, we pick things up along the way. One day we decide to pick this up or that up at the store, and we keep walking. What would happen if we didn't ever lay any of that down? What would happen if every time we walked through a store, we bought something and we didn't lay it down, but just carried it around instead? Do you think the pile of stuff would ever get heavy? How stupid would that be and look? How stupid would that be?
You read that, and simple think, Kate your crazy, why would anyone do that? And that truth is, that so many of have. Maybe it's not really things, like maybe it's not like food, clothes, whatever, but a lot of the time, it's burdens.
What are you talking about? You may ask.... this...
1.) losing someone you love, maybe by simply just breaking up with a boyfriend, losing a best friend, cause of their choice, or really having someone you love die
2.) parents getting divorced
3.) stress...
There are so many burdens that you carry, that you don't want to let go of. Maybe it's something that would comfort you, or so you think, that would make you feel better about yourself, that would give you courage to move on, I don't know. I don't know what has gone on in your life, but I'm guessing that some where along the way, you have picked something up. Some kind of pain, some kind of maybe even just sin that you don't think belongs. Who knows what it is, but maybe theirs something you have carried around your whole life. And maybe people have tried to push God onto you, telling that He loves you, but maybe that's just another heavy book to carry around all the time. Maybe it surrounds you, and you just don't want it.
Maybe, like me, your sick of walking around carrying all these useless burdens, and refusing to let anyone see them. Maybe you've tried giving them to someone else, but no one was strong enough to take them, and just gave them back to you, even worse than they were before. I don't know, cause, truth be told, I love a totally different life than you do, and sometimes. Maybe it feels like it would be so much easier to carry around, till you have carried it around for so long, and you need a break, but know you can't take one.
Look up, and what do you see? Maybe all you see is open arms, but those are God's open arms. He says that he will give you rest, but only if you can lay your burdens down. But you say, I can't, there will be no more comfort, it's my security, or maybe it's just stuck to you, cause you've carried it around so long, refusing to get help.
But tonight, no matter where you are, no matter who you are, and no matter what burdens your carrying, lay them down at the cross. It's right in front of you and look, God's standing there with open arms, ready for you to come in and sit in His lap, cry on his shoulder, whatever, cause you are his child, and his creation, which he loves. It may be a hard process, but God will help you carry that load. Will he really want them? You may ask, yeah, He's ready to help you carry the load, even better, carry it for you. So tonight, lay the burdens down at God's feet, and feel the warmth of His warm embrace around you. Cause maybe you have been carrying them your whole life, and now it's time to let them go, to someone who truly can help you with the heavy load.
Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. -God
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay EVERY burden down
At the foot of the cross
Walking through life, we pick things up along the way. One day we decide to pick this up or that up at the store, and we keep walking. What would happen if we didn't ever lay any of that down? What would happen if every time we walked through a store, we bought something and we didn't lay it down, but just carried it around instead? Do you think the pile of stuff would ever get heavy? How stupid would that be and look? How stupid would that be?
You read that, and simple think, Kate your crazy, why would anyone do that? And that truth is, that so many of have. Maybe it's not really things, like maybe it's not like food, clothes, whatever, but a lot of the time, it's burdens.
What are you talking about? You may ask.... this...
1.) losing someone you love, maybe by simply just breaking up with a boyfriend, losing a best friend, cause of their choice, or really having someone you love die
2.) parents getting divorced
3.) stress...
There are so many burdens that you carry, that you don't want to let go of. Maybe it's something that would comfort you, or so you think, that would make you feel better about yourself, that would give you courage to move on, I don't know. I don't know what has gone on in your life, but I'm guessing that some where along the way, you have picked something up. Some kind of pain, some kind of maybe even just sin that you don't think belongs. Who knows what it is, but maybe theirs something you have carried around your whole life. And maybe people have tried to push God onto you, telling that He loves you, but maybe that's just another heavy book to carry around all the time. Maybe it surrounds you, and you just don't want it.
Maybe, like me, your sick of walking around carrying all these useless burdens, and refusing to let anyone see them. Maybe you've tried giving them to someone else, but no one was strong enough to take them, and just gave them back to you, even worse than they were before. I don't know, cause, truth be told, I love a totally different life than you do, and sometimes. Maybe it feels like it would be so much easier to carry around, till you have carried it around for so long, and you need a break, but know you can't take one.
Look up, and what do you see? Maybe all you see is open arms, but those are God's open arms. He says that he will give you rest, but only if you can lay your burdens down. But you say, I can't, there will be no more comfort, it's my security, or maybe it's just stuck to you, cause you've carried it around so long, refusing to get help.
But tonight, no matter where you are, no matter who you are, and no matter what burdens your carrying, lay them down at the cross. It's right in front of you and look, God's standing there with open arms, ready for you to come in and sit in His lap, cry on his shoulder, whatever, cause you are his child, and his creation, which he loves. It may be a hard process, but God will help you carry that load. Will he really want them? You may ask, yeah, He's ready to help you carry the load, even better, carry it for you. So tonight, lay the burdens down at God's feet, and feel the warmth of His warm embrace around you. Cause maybe you have been carrying them your whole life, and now it's time to let them go, to someone who truly can help you with the heavy load.
Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. -God
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Tonight
V1:
I close my eyes
And all I see is darkness
I look all around to see your face
But I lose you in the crowd
I want to feel your presence
But all I feel is air
Chorus:
I know your there
I see you work all around me
But I don't feel your presence with me
God, where are you?
God, I need you here tonight
V2:
I can't find you anywhere
I wonder if your even here
I've searched for so long
I wish you where here, tonight
Chorus
Bridge:
Your live is amazing
but i need to feel it
God, I want you
God, I need you
Chorus
By: Kate Crane
CopyWrong2007
I close my eyes
And all I see is darkness
I look all around to see your face
But I lose you in the crowd
I want to feel your presence
But all I feel is air
Chorus:
I know your there
I see you work all around me
But I don't feel your presence with me
God, where are you?
God, I need you here tonight
V2:
I can't find you anywhere
I wonder if your even here
I've searched for so long
I wish you where here, tonight
Chorus
Bridge:
Your live is amazing
but i need to feel it
God, I want you
God, I need you
Chorus
By: Kate Crane
CopyWrong2007
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Pain!
"When I hear your name, it's not the same, no matter what they say, I'm not okay."
No matter if they what the song is really talking about, that's how it is with me.
I look two rows infront of me, and see a happy family of girls. Theres a Mom in the middle, and two young girls on each side, one looking aobut 11, and the other about 8. I hear the Mom speak to the girls, letting them chose where they were going to sit, before they say two rows infront of me, and the kind words she spoke to them through out the service. In worship, I saw the Mom wrap her arms around both girls, and whisper "secrets" in their ears, during communian, she grabbed their hands, and walked up to the station with them, and when the say back down, the 8 year old girl lay her head on her Mom's shoulder, and rested it there.
Look two rows back, and you would see me. There were two empty seats next to me, one to the left, one to the right, look over a seat, and see my dad, talking to the lady sitting next to him, like I didn't even exist. Watch me as I worship, you'll start to see that God means more to me, and is my last option, and I don't care whose around me at the moment, but wait for awhile, and suddenly there is a sense of being alone, looking around, looking two rows up, at the people and happy family infront of me, and the love that family has, compared to the messed up family I live in.
Cross the isle, go up three rows, and you'll see a couple; probably late teens, early 20's. They look happy. They wrap their arms around each other, and you think about the love that they could truly have for each other, and what they love would be like. Maybe it's some of that love I wish I had.
Do you know how much pure toucher that was for me? Do you know how much that put pain through my entire body? Cause more than anything else in my life, that's what I want, I want a Mom. Someone to pick me up, and wrap their arms around me, and tell me things will be okay. I wish someone would tell me it would be okay, and then take the time to make it okay, by being there for me, loving on me, giving me what I'm missing out on in my life.
I hurt, more than alot of my friends sometimes it seems, it seems like I don't belong with them, because my life is so much different. I want a Mom in my life. My best friend is the closest I have, and the fight thats going on between us, breaks my heart. Cause after "Mom" moved, my heart hurts, and I've missed the love and the hugs, but your hugs have started to feel like hers, and in them I'm starting to feel okay, like I could cry and you wouldn't even care. (you know what I mean). I don't know what to do, I can't sit and watch this anymore, it hurts to watch.
By the end of the service, I couldn't look across the isle, I couldn't look two rows infront me, cause it hurts too much, cause I give all my love away to those I care about, and sometimes I just need some back in return. I don't know, sometimes I just don't understand what God is doing in this all.
No matter if they what the song is really talking about, that's how it is with me.
I look two rows infront of me, and see a happy family of girls. Theres a Mom in the middle, and two young girls on each side, one looking aobut 11, and the other about 8. I hear the Mom speak to the girls, letting them chose where they were going to sit, before they say two rows infront of me, and the kind words she spoke to them through out the service. In worship, I saw the Mom wrap her arms around both girls, and whisper "secrets" in their ears, during communian, she grabbed their hands, and walked up to the station with them, and when the say back down, the 8 year old girl lay her head on her Mom's shoulder, and rested it there.
Look two rows back, and you would see me. There were two empty seats next to me, one to the left, one to the right, look over a seat, and see my dad, talking to the lady sitting next to him, like I didn't even exist. Watch me as I worship, you'll start to see that God means more to me, and is my last option, and I don't care whose around me at the moment, but wait for awhile, and suddenly there is a sense of being alone, looking around, looking two rows up, at the people and happy family infront of me, and the love that family has, compared to the messed up family I live in.
Cross the isle, go up three rows, and you'll see a couple; probably late teens, early 20's. They look happy. They wrap their arms around each other, and you think about the love that they could truly have for each other, and what they love would be like. Maybe it's some of that love I wish I had.
Do you know how much pure toucher that was for me? Do you know how much that put pain through my entire body? Cause more than anything else in my life, that's what I want, I want a Mom. Someone to pick me up, and wrap their arms around me, and tell me things will be okay. I wish someone would tell me it would be okay, and then take the time to make it okay, by being there for me, loving on me, giving me what I'm missing out on in my life.
I hurt, more than alot of my friends sometimes it seems, it seems like I don't belong with them, because my life is so much different. I want a Mom in my life. My best friend is the closest I have, and the fight thats going on between us, breaks my heart. Cause after "Mom" moved, my heart hurts, and I've missed the love and the hugs, but your hugs have started to feel like hers, and in them I'm starting to feel okay, like I could cry and you wouldn't even care. (you know what I mean). I don't know what to do, I can't sit and watch this anymore, it hurts to watch.
By the end of the service, I couldn't look across the isle, I couldn't look two rows infront me, cause it hurts too much, cause I give all my love away to those I care about, and sometimes I just need some back in return. I don't know, sometimes I just don't understand what God is doing in this all.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
MOM!
I guess the hardest part is moving on, and not just saying that I'm going to move on, but to really move one. The thing is, my Mom lives in me, and I miss her so much, cause it's just like this passion and need for her won't go away. And the thing is, I really a hurting in so many ways. Cause, I don't understand this at all. I don't know why God had to chose me, and I don't know why it can kill so bad sometimes.
And it's like, why can't my dad stop yelling at me, and just notice I need a friend. Like in movies, you can walk away, and parents know something is wrong, and they do something about it, and I wish my dad could tell, and would do something about it. Call a best friend, tell them to get their butt over here, and talk to me, or just let them come over on their own will. I just need a friend, but I don't trust any of my friends, but my loyal Knight, the rest could care less and could just look at the small picture of it all and say that nothings wrong, when inside I kill like never before. All I need is a friend hanging around, letting me talk when needed, not forcing me to talk, and just the random hugs at random moments, that just remind me you are there and you do care, but no one else does, and I don't know.
I don't know, it seems like no matter what I do, memories find their way in. Tonight it was a stupid movie, tomorrow who knows what it will be. I don't have patient to be around other people, all I want is you, Dani.
It's just I miss you so much, Mom. I promise you its every time I look and see me, there is an image of you there too. I miss you more than I ever have before, I just wish their was a girl around, and I wasn't left all alone to face life on my own, cause I can promise you that's not easy. I feel so broken, so messed up, and I don't know what else to say besides, I miss you and wish somehow you could be here, and I could talk to you, just once.
And it's like, why can't my dad stop yelling at me, and just notice I need a friend. Like in movies, you can walk away, and parents know something is wrong, and they do something about it, and I wish my dad could tell, and would do something about it. Call a best friend, tell them to get their butt over here, and talk to me, or just let them come over on their own will. I just need a friend, but I don't trust any of my friends, but my loyal Knight, the rest could care less and could just look at the small picture of it all and say that nothings wrong, when inside I kill like never before. All I need is a friend hanging around, letting me talk when needed, not forcing me to talk, and just the random hugs at random moments, that just remind me you are there and you do care, but no one else does, and I don't know.
I don't know, it seems like no matter what I do, memories find their way in. Tonight it was a stupid movie, tomorrow who knows what it will be. I don't have patient to be around other people, all I want is you, Dani.
It's just I miss you so much, Mom. I promise you its every time I look and see me, there is an image of you there too. I miss you more than I ever have before, I just wish their was a girl around, and I wasn't left all alone to face life on my own, cause I can promise you that's not easy. I feel so broken, so messed up, and I don't know what else to say besides, I miss you and wish somehow you could be here, and I could talk to you, just once.
And it kills me to think that your gone for good, I guess the 13 years is catching up to me, I can't put it off anymore, cause it hurts all too much. I need someone there all the time, but no one is, and I don't know, it just kills me.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
I Wanna Be Your Best Friend
By: Kate Crane
Dedicated to: Dani Boucher
I see you standing there
I wonder what you want me to do
I watch your every move
I think I’ve got you figured out
You change your mood
And I get lost
I wonder if I’ll ever figure you out
I want to be the best friend I can
But I feel as though I just mess up
I want to be there for you
Every time you fall
But you push me away
And I don’t think you need me at all
I want to be your best friend
There by your side each step of the way
But how can I do it?
When all you do is push me away
I want you to trust me
But you seem never able to
I want to be there for you
Every time you fall
I wish you could just take my hand
And learn to not let go
And learn not to let go
I can see the pain in your eyes
And I don’t know what to doWill I ever win this fight? Or will you learn to let go?
*Attempted song, dumb, but working on music to go with it, so it's not just lyrics, not going so well tho. :)
By: Kate Crane
Dedicated to: Dani Boucher
I see you standing there
I wonder what you want me to do
I watch your every move
I think I’ve got you figured out
You change your mood
And I get lost
I wonder if I’ll ever figure you out
I want to be the best friend I can
But I feel as though I just mess up
I want to be there for you
Every time you fall
But you push me away
And I don’t think you need me at all
I want to be your best friend
There by your side each step of the way
But how can I do it?
When all you do is push me away
I want you to trust me
But you seem never able to
I want to be there for you
Every time you fall
I wish you could just take my hand
And learn to not let go
And learn not to let go
I can see the pain in your eyes
And I don’t know what to doWill I ever win this fight? Or will you learn to let go?
*Attempted song, dumb, but working on music to go with it, so it's not just lyrics, not going so well tho. :)
Sunday, November 04, 2007
My Life Falling Apart
My world falls down right before my eyes
First off comes the "depression", cause I stinkin miss you so much
The thought of feeling alone
Not understanding
Questioning
This goes on for a week and and a half, and I still don't understand it
Then things start to get better
And my dad comes along with his ragging
Claims he never spazzes at me
And then tells me that if I think it's good than it's good
And he yells at me later cause it's not good enough
And well, I'm sorry I'm your germfreakish daughter
And I'm sorry that I have a "Mom" that cares about me
And call me to say happy birthday
And doesn't call you
Maybe she understands that I need some love
Cause I don't get love from a Mom
So she tries her best to fill that in for me
Ever even think how I feel about this?
And sorry I'm grumpy
I don't even know how I am
Do you even understand how much life stinks for me right now?
Do you understand what it's like to be a girl, living in an all guys family?
Do you understand what it's like to lose two of the closest people to me, in 13 years?
And to lose so many best friends
And finally find one I trust
And you hate me talking to her
Cause I'm wasting my time
I would be no where with her
And God, are you even out there anymore?
Do you even care?
I hate this!
It all kills too much.
I need a friend
But I'm asking for a lot out of you
You sure you can take that?
First off comes the "depression", cause I stinkin miss you so much
The thought of feeling alone
Not understanding
Questioning
This goes on for a week and and a half, and I still don't understand it
Then things start to get better
And my dad comes along with his ragging
Claims he never spazzes at me
And then tells me that if I think it's good than it's good
And he yells at me later cause it's not good enough
And well, I'm sorry I'm your germfreakish daughter
And I'm sorry that I have a "Mom" that cares about me
And call me to say happy birthday
And doesn't call you
Maybe she understands that I need some love
Cause I don't get love from a Mom
So she tries her best to fill that in for me
Ever even think how I feel about this?
And sorry I'm grumpy
I don't even know how I am
Do you even understand how much life stinks for me right now?
Do you understand what it's like to be a girl, living in an all guys family?
Do you understand what it's like to lose two of the closest people to me, in 13 years?
And to lose so many best friends
And finally find one I trust
And you hate me talking to her
Cause I'm wasting my time
I would be no where with her
And God, are you even out there anymore?
Do you even care?
I hate this!
It all kills too much.
I need a friend
But I'm asking for a lot out of you
You sure you can take that?
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Every Saturday
Maybe it's not just because my emotions have got a hold of me and won't let me go, maybe it's because it really does sting. Thinking about it more and more makes it sting so much more. Thinking about it makes me wonder why it had to happen. Thinking about it, I feel tears swell up in my eyes, cause I know there is nothing that I can to fix it. Thinking about it, I wonder why it all had to happen.
Saturdays have never been the same
And I still can’t believe you’re gone
So many things I wish that I could say
I guess the hardest part of moving on
Are these memories that have overtaken me
Once again I’m right here on my knees
I’m barely hanging on
With all these empty feelings
I’m hurting in so many ways
And though I can’t begin to understand the reason
I still believe that you’re GOD
And I still can't believe you're gone:
The thing is, I don't want to think your gone, Mom, I want you to be here, cause I miss you too much, and it kills me everyday. I wish that you were around, and it's not just that my emotions have taken over me, it's like a friend said, your a part of me, your a part of who I am, I'm told I sound like you, and I act like you, and that kills, cause I want to meet you, I want to see your face, I want a hug from you, a comforting hug, the love I never got from Dad, I want it so so bad. I don't want to listen when people say your gone, I don't want you to be gone, I want you to be here with me.
So many things I wish that I could say:
There is so much I want to tell you, and show you, and so many things I just wish you could be proud of me for, I wish that I could not only talk to you, but hear your voice and encouragement from you, cause I need it.
I guess the hardest part is moving on:
It's so hard to thing is to let you go, to move on, to keep walking, to get up, and say hey, your gone, but I still need to move on, cause it hurts so much sometimes, and it just kills a deep hole into you, and it screams. I don't want to move on with the fact that your gone, it's taking me 13 years to.
Are these memories that have over taken me:
They have taken me, yeah maybe I never met you, but the thing is, I can see people all around me, looking, smiling, walking with their moms, talking about how they did this and that, and I just look and say, I wish that was me, I wish I had memories like that with you.
I'm barley hanging on/I'm hurting in so many ways:
I can't hang on anymore, I am about to fall, I don't think I can hang on with this pinkie anymore, I'm going to slip and fall, and Mom, it hurts way too much for me to bear, I wish someone understood that, I wish someone could say, I've been through it, Kate, and I know it's hard, but no one has.
And though I can't begin to understand the reason:
No way do I understand why it is this way, so many questions without answers.
I still believe that your God:
I wish that was true, I wish I could just trust God, but the thing is, it's so hard, cause it hurts so much, I wish it all would go away, but the thing is, it won't, it's stuck with me, and it kills like nothing else.
I guess the point is, I don't understand it and yes it hurts so much more than I can bear some days, and right now, I don't think it's just that my emotions have gotten a hold of me, I think it's that she lives in me, after all I'm her daughter. She shines through me, in different things I do, and I've tried to ignore it for 13 years, I've tried to pretend it doesn't matter. I've told people, it's fine, because I was only one and a half, but the thing is, that's now how it works. I've put it aside, I've tried to push it away and tried to ignore the fact that it even happened, and it's catching up to me and it stings, so so bad. I have cried more in the past week than ever in my life. I can't stand it! It hurts too much. Way too much. I miss you, Mom. Wish you were here.
Saturdays have never been the same
And I still can’t believe you’re gone
So many things I wish that I could say
I guess the hardest part of moving on
Are these memories that have overtaken me
Once again I’m right here on my knees
I’m barely hanging on
With all these empty feelings
I’m hurting in so many ways
And though I can’t begin to understand the reason
I still believe that you’re GOD
And I still can't believe you're gone:
The thing is, I don't want to think your gone, Mom, I want you to be here, cause I miss you too much, and it kills me everyday. I wish that you were around, and it's not just that my emotions have taken over me, it's like a friend said, your a part of me, your a part of who I am, I'm told I sound like you, and I act like you, and that kills, cause I want to meet you, I want to see your face, I want a hug from you, a comforting hug, the love I never got from Dad, I want it so so bad. I don't want to listen when people say your gone, I don't want you to be gone, I want you to be here with me.
So many things I wish that I could say:
There is so much I want to tell you, and show you, and so many things I just wish you could be proud of me for, I wish that I could not only talk to you, but hear your voice and encouragement from you, cause I need it.
I guess the hardest part is moving on:
It's so hard to thing is to let you go, to move on, to keep walking, to get up, and say hey, your gone, but I still need to move on, cause it hurts so much sometimes, and it just kills a deep hole into you, and it screams. I don't want to move on with the fact that your gone, it's taking me 13 years to.
Are these memories that have over taken me:
They have taken me, yeah maybe I never met you, but the thing is, I can see people all around me, looking, smiling, walking with their moms, talking about how they did this and that, and I just look and say, I wish that was me, I wish I had memories like that with you.
I'm barley hanging on/I'm hurting in so many ways:
I can't hang on anymore, I am about to fall, I don't think I can hang on with this pinkie anymore, I'm going to slip and fall, and Mom, it hurts way too much for me to bear, I wish someone understood that, I wish someone could say, I've been through it, Kate, and I know it's hard, but no one has.
And though I can't begin to understand the reason:
No way do I understand why it is this way, so many questions without answers.
I still believe that your God:
I wish that was true, I wish I could just trust God, but the thing is, it's so hard, cause it hurts so much, I wish it all would go away, but the thing is, it won't, it's stuck with me, and it kills like nothing else.
I guess the point is, I don't understand it and yes it hurts so much more than I can bear some days, and right now, I don't think it's just that my emotions have gotten a hold of me, I think it's that she lives in me, after all I'm her daughter. She shines through me, in different things I do, and I've tried to ignore it for 13 years, I've tried to pretend it doesn't matter. I've told people, it's fine, because I was only one and a half, but the thing is, that's now how it works. I've put it aside, I've tried to push it away and tried to ignore the fact that it even happened, and it's catching up to me and it stings, so so bad. I have cried more in the past week than ever in my life. I can't stand it! It hurts too much. Way too much. I miss you, Mom. Wish you were here.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Still Hurts
Some of you who read my blog, check it everyday, and by now, your thinking, what in the world is she talking about? She has talked about it way too much, how bad can it really be? But the thing is, you won't understand it till you are standing right where the pain is. You won't know what it's like to lose a mom, until you've lost it. You won't know what it's like to be me, till you have grown up with guys who put you down, make fun of you and your friends and won't leave you alone, and guys who don't see the difference it is for a girl who loses a mom.
And I don't want you to look me in the eye, and say, "Kate, I understand what your going through, my grandpa died last year and that was really hard for me." I'll look you straight in the eye, and say you don't understand and walk away. Your just lost inside the walls I've built. Your looking at the mask and saying its the full truth. Your looking at the smile and following it. Your looking at me and seeing a mask and that's it.
You don't know me, unless you know how much it hurts me. You don't know me, until you sit in front of me and watch me. Cause it kills me, it is like sticking a knife into my heart. And yeah, I don't understand it. I don't get why God chose me to let this all happen to. I don't understand why God would pick me, cause for weak little me, it hurts too much.
It kills like nothing I've ever felt. It came out of nowhere, and just dug it's own little whole into me, and broke me into pieces. It took over me. I can't try and hide it, cause I can only hide it so long, maybe I can make it through a school day, but that's maximum. I've given up trying to ignore it, cause it some how finds it's way into every situation. No matter how hard I try and push it away, it finds its way back, the memories, the dreams, the wishes, the hopes, they are gone, and I'm left to fall flat on my face, to let go.
I'm hurting in so many ways, and I don't understand it at all. I just wish someone would take the time to give me the extra hug in a day, I mean you can tell me you will, but will you really do it?
All the wishes I had, all the times I tried to ignore it, all the time I pushed it away, all the times I tried to play tough and act like it didn't happen, somehow it's caught up with me and it now standing right next to me, pulling me down and pulling me apart. Cause, man it just hurts so so much.
And I don't want you to look me in the eye, and say, "Kate, I understand what your going through, my grandpa died last year and that was really hard for me." I'll look you straight in the eye, and say you don't understand and walk away. Your just lost inside the walls I've built. Your looking at the mask and saying its the full truth. Your looking at the smile and following it. Your looking at me and seeing a mask and that's it.
You don't know me, unless you know how much it hurts me. You don't know me, until you sit in front of me and watch me. Cause it kills me, it is like sticking a knife into my heart. And yeah, I don't understand it. I don't get why God chose me to let this all happen to. I don't understand why God would pick me, cause for weak little me, it hurts too much.
It kills like nothing I've ever felt. It came out of nowhere, and just dug it's own little whole into me, and broke me into pieces. It took over me. I can't try and hide it, cause I can only hide it so long, maybe I can make it through a school day, but that's maximum. I've given up trying to ignore it, cause it some how finds it's way into every situation. No matter how hard I try and push it away, it finds its way back, the memories, the dreams, the wishes, the hopes, they are gone, and I'm left to fall flat on my face, to let go.
I'm hurting in so many ways, and I don't understand it at all. I just wish someone would take the time to give me the extra hug in a day, I mean you can tell me you will, but will you really do it?
All the wishes I had, all the times I tried to ignore it, all the time I pushed it away, all the times I tried to play tough and act like it didn't happen, somehow it's caught up with me and it now standing right next to me, pulling me down and pulling me apart. Cause, man it just hurts so so much.
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