Every Saturday

Maybe it's not just because my emotions have got a hold of me and won't let me go, maybe it's because it really does sting. Thinking about it more and more makes it sting so much more. Thinking about it makes me wonder why it had to happen. Thinking about it, I feel tears swell up in my eyes, cause I know there is nothing that I can to fix it. Thinking about it, I wonder why it all had to happen.

Saturdays have never been the same
And I still can’t believe you’re gone
So many things I wish that I could say
I guess the hardest part of moving on
Are these memories that have overtaken me
Once again I’m right here on my knees
I’m barely hanging on
With all these empty feelings
I’m hurting in so many ways
And though I can’t begin to understand the reason
I still believe that you’re GOD

And I still can't believe you're gone:
The thing is, I don't want to think your gone, Mom, I want you to be here, cause I miss you too much, and it kills me everyday. I wish that you were around, and it's not just that my emotions have taken over me, it's like a friend said, your a part of me, your a part of who I am, I'm told I sound like you, and I act like you, and that kills, cause I want to meet you, I want to see your face, I want a hug from you, a comforting hug, the love I never got from Dad, I want it so so bad. I don't want to listen when people say your gone, I don't want you to be gone, I want you to be here with me.

So many things I wish that I could say:
There is so much I want to tell you, and show you, and so many things I just wish you could be proud of me for, I wish that I could not only talk to you, but hear your voice and encouragement from you, cause I need it.

I guess the hardest part is moving on:
It's so hard to thing is to let you go, to move on, to keep walking, to get up, and say hey, your gone, but I still need to move on, cause it hurts so much sometimes, and it just kills a deep hole into you, and it screams. I don't want to move on with the fact that your gone, it's taking me 13 years to.

Are these memories that have over taken me:
They have taken me, yeah maybe I never met you, but the thing is, I can see people all around me, looking, smiling, walking with their moms, talking about how they did this and that, and I just look and say, I wish that was me, I wish I had memories like that with you.

I'm barley hanging on/I'm hurting in so many ways:
I can't hang on anymore, I am about to fall, I don't think I can hang on with this pinkie anymore, I'm going to slip and fall, and Mom, it hurts way too much for me to bear, I wish someone understood that, I wish someone could say, I've been through it, Kate, and I know it's hard, but no one has.

And though I can't begin to understand the reason:
No way do I understand why it is this way, so many questions without answers.

I still believe that your God:
I wish that was true, I wish I could just trust God, but the thing is, it's so hard, cause it hurts so much, I wish it all would go away, but the thing is, it won't, it's stuck with me, and it kills like nothing else.

I guess the point is, I don't understand it and yes it hurts so much more than I can bear some days, and right now, I don't think it's just that my emotions have gotten a hold of me, I think it's that she lives in me, after all I'm her daughter. She shines through me, in different things I do, and I've tried to ignore it for 13 years, I've tried to pretend it doesn't matter. I've told people, it's fine, because I was only one and a half, but the thing is, that's now how it works. I've put it aside, I've tried to push it away and tried to ignore the fact that it even happened, and it's catching up to me and it stings, so so bad. I have cried more in the past week than ever in my life. I can't stand it! It hurts too much. Way too much. I miss you, Mom. Wish you were here.