Still Hurts

Some of you who read my blog, check it everyday, and by now, your thinking, what in the world is she talking about? She has talked about it way too much, how bad can it really be? But the thing is, you won't understand it till you are standing right where the pain is. You won't know what it's like to lose a mom, until you've lost it. You won't know what it's like to be me, till you have grown up with guys who put you down, make fun of you and your friends and won't leave you alone, and guys who don't see the difference it is for a girl who loses a mom.

And I don't want you to look me in the eye, and say, "Kate, I understand what your going through, my grandpa died last year and that was really hard for me." I'll look you straight in the eye, and say you don't understand and walk away. Your just lost inside the walls I've built. Your looking at the mask and saying its the full truth. Your looking at the smile and following it. Your looking at me and seeing a mask and that's it.

You don't know me, unless you know how much it hurts me. You don't know me, until you sit in front of me and watch me. Cause it kills me, it is like sticking a knife into my heart. And yeah, I don't understand it. I don't get why God chose me to let this all happen to. I don't understand why God would pick me, cause for weak little me, it hurts too much.

It kills like nothing I've ever felt. It came out of nowhere, and just dug it's own little whole into me, and broke me into pieces. It took over me. I can't try and hide it, cause I can only hide it so long, maybe I can make it through a school day, but that's maximum. I've given up trying to ignore it, cause it some how finds it's way into every situation. No matter how hard I try and push it away, it finds its way back, the memories, the dreams, the wishes, the hopes, they are gone, and I'm left to fall flat on my face, to let go.

I'm hurting in so many ways, and I don't understand it at all. I just wish someone would take the time to give me the extra hug in a day, I mean you can tell me you will, but will you really do it?

All the wishes I had, all the times I tried to ignore it, all the time I pushed it away, all the times I tried to play tough and act like it didn't happen, somehow it's caught up with me and it now standing right next to me, pulling me down and pulling me apart. Cause, man it just hurts so so much.