Pain!

"When I hear your name, it's not the same, no matter what they say, I'm not okay."

No matter if they what the song is really talking about, that's how it is with me.

I look two rows infront of me, and see a happy family of girls. Theres a Mom in the middle, and two young girls on each side, one looking aobut 11, and the other about 8. I hear the Mom speak to the girls, letting them chose where they were going to sit, before they say two rows infront of me, and the kind words she spoke to them through out the service. In worship, I saw the Mom wrap her arms around both girls, and whisper "secrets" in their ears, during communian, she grabbed their hands, and walked up to the station with them, and when the say back down, the 8 year old girl lay her head on her Mom's shoulder, and rested it there.

Look two rows back, and you would see me. There were two empty seats next to me, one to the left, one to the right, look over a seat, and see my dad, talking to the lady sitting next to him, like I didn't even exist. Watch me as I worship, you'll start to see that God means more to me, and is my last option, and I don't care whose around me at the moment, but wait for awhile, and suddenly there is a sense of being alone, looking around, looking two rows up, at the people and happy family infront of me, and the love that family has, compared to the messed up family I live in.

Cross the isle, go up three rows, and you'll see a couple; probably late teens, early 20's. They look happy. They wrap their arms around each other, and you think about the love that they could truly have for each other, and what they love would be like. Maybe it's some of that love I wish I had.

Do you know how much pure toucher that was for me? Do you know how much that put pain through my entire body? Cause more than anything else in my life, that's what I want, I want a Mom. Someone to pick me up, and wrap their arms around me, and tell me things will be okay. I wish someone would tell me it would be okay, and then take the time to make it okay, by being there for me, loving on me, giving me what I'm missing out on in my life.

I hurt, more than alot of my friends sometimes it seems, it seems like I don't belong with them, because my life is so much different. I want a Mom in my life. My best friend is the closest I have, and the fight thats going on between us, breaks my heart. Cause after "Mom" moved, my heart hurts, and I've missed the love and the hugs, but your hugs have started to feel like hers, and in them I'm starting to feel okay, like I could cry and you wouldn't even care. (you know what I mean). I don't know what to do, I can't sit and watch this anymore, it hurts to watch.

By the end of the service, I couldn't look across the isle, I couldn't look two rows infront me, cause it hurts too much, cause I give all my love away to those I care about, and sometimes I just need some back in return. I don't know, sometimes I just don't understand what God is doing in this all.