Kills!

I'm sure it has started to follow me. I'm sure that I can't get it out of my head, and it's just going to stay there and pull me down. I'm sure there is no way that everything can be okay. I don't understand why God did took her, I don't understand where all this sudden pain came from. I don't get why it came out of nowhere and it hurts so much. I don't get how everyday I can make it through a day. I don't get how no one would ever know. I don't get why people can look at me, and just say hey Kate, stop staring off into space, but ya know, maybe I'm doing that just cause it hurts so bad, and just thinking about it kills me more than you could ever understand.

You wish that I would trust you, you try and make me talk, but my best friend can rarely ever get me to talk, so I wouldn't even try. Yeah, she may know all about this, and she may know how I feel about it, but it's cause she's there for me, it's cause she doesn't force me to talk, she LETS ME talk, when I WANT TO TALK, she has never forced me to talk, she has always listened. And if you want to gain trust in me, your going to have to show me some how that you are trustworthy. I'm not going to come out and tell you my life story, if I don't have trust in you. There is ONE PERSON who I have ever told in my 14 years of being alive how I really felt about it all, and that was my best friend.

You want me to be a best friend to you, but when have you been a best friend to me? When have you ever taken the time to listen to me? When have you ever taken the time to try and be my friend, try and understand me and what's going on? When have you just said, "Kate, I know you need me, and I don't know what's going on, but I'm here." Cause yeah, you may look at me, and say hey Kate's tough, she doesn't need anything in return, she always encourages me, why would she need encouragement, she's got it all in her. But do you know how hard it is to listen to your own encouragement? I can't listen to myself, cause I don't. I need it coming from a friend, and if you aren't going to give it to me, maybe I won't give it to you. Cause it's the people who give it who need it most, cause they know what it's like to need it and not get it.

I hurt so much. It kills so much. I wish everything was okay, but it really isn't. I wish that you where still here, I wish that I wasn't alone, the only girl, I wish that I understood, where this ongoing pain came from. I wish someone would take the time out of their day, give me a hug, and let me cry on their shoulder, build trust in me (or be the only one i trust), and try and be the friend back that I try and be for them. I feel like I have one friend out there that I really trust, and she has no idea how much I appreciate everything that she does for me all the time. She has no idea, although I wish she did. I love her so much. But that doesn't make the pain stop, it doesn't make it go away.

You got answers to my question, cause I would really like to know. How can I get so much pain coming from nowhere? How can this hurt so much? I wish it didn't, I wish it was all back that way it was, I wish it was all perfect, I wish you where here. I wish I didn't cry because of you, but on you. I don't get it, and I don't know what to do anymore, got answers for me, fill me in, cause I need to know.

I wish you could ask me if I was okay, and I could honestly tell you I was, but the thoughts, the memories follow me everywhere I go, and they hurt so much. Tears build up all day, the pain builds inside, I don't know what to do anymore, I miss you, and it hurts way too much, it's not even right.

It just kills so much!

Thoughts at the Moment

Tonight it's not just that I want you
It's the I need you around
Tears stream down my face
I feel like I can't move on
And I tell you what's going on and you listen
To all my questions without answers
To all the pain I feel tonight
And how much it kills like nothing else
I need you tonight
More than I ever have
I've held it in too long
It hurts too much
I wish I could take you away
And just get one good hug from you
And not let go
I wish it didn't have to hurt like this
I wish that I didn't have to remember this
I wish I understood why it hurts so much tonight

But, I don't, it just kills, like nothing else. I'll break down... probably soon.

I Miss You (part 3)

How many times will you tell me you understand? How many times are you going to sit in front of me, and say, I'm here for you, I understand what your going through, when the closest thing you got to losing a mom, is your grandpa that you never talked to that died when you were a month old. Don't tell me you understand when you really don't. Cause you don't get what depression is, you don't get what its like to want to not move, to cry, but yet keep a reputation of being tough, you don't know what it's like to wish so bad that you had her back, you don't know what it's like to be the only girl in your family and hurt so much you don't even know what to do, but just put the thought away, so you can make it through a day. You don't know what it's like to sit through someone talking about death, and suicide, and then walking and seeing your friends don't even care, and you were trying hard not to cry.

You hold me close in your arms, I loved the way you felt so strong.

You think that maybe I wouldn't know what it would feel like, but ya know, I had someone close enough to me that she was my mom, and she was moved away, and you don't know how stinkin hard that is for me, she was the best. She gave amazing hugs, and now I miss those, those made it so I could go on, the made it all okay, and guess what, it's not. It hurts way too much for me to bear.

Oh how I wish you could see everything that's happening for me...

I wish you could be proud of me, I wish you could be here for me, and yeah maybe I wouldn't talk to you all the time, but I wish you were hear, so we could go out just cause we felt like it, and it wouldn't be with a guy that didn't understand anything I was going through.

And I still shed a tear every once in a while

More than you know, cause I miss her so much some days, there are days I'll sit in my room and cry for no reason, just cause I wish she was around, or maybe it's not even her, I wish Tammy was around. But the thing is, their not, and that kills me so much.

You can't tell me you understand cause I know you don't. And if you would stinkin take the time to listen to me, maybe you would understand. If you would stinkin even care to look at me, knowing life stinks, and say hey Kate, this is cause i love you, and give me a nice hug, sper of the moment, you don't know what that would mean to me.

Sorry, I'll shut up, I'm just kinda getting out my thoughts, to someone, even if no one reads this, but ya know, at least it's out there.

I Miss You (Cont)

It's not just a simple I can relate, cause someone I know in my long family tree, it's the one in my family, the one I would have been able to come to, the other girl in my family that would have been through some of the stuff I have been through, the person who would have understood. The thing is that people don't get it till it's them going through it. It's not as simple as you think it is, it's as hard as a rock that can't be broken. It's harder everyday. I miss her, like nothing else some days, and other days I don't want to make it reality and I just want to pretend it never happens, and that somehow maybe the world would be just how I wanted it to be. If you understood it, I would tell you everything, but you don't. If you took the time to stop pitying me and took some time just to listen to what I go through everyday, maybe I would tell you, maybe I would learn to talk some, but the thing is, would you even care to listen? It's critical for a girl to have another girl in her life and for me, all I have is my friends, yeah they may be the best friends in the world, but it's still not the same. If that song wasn't by Hannah Montana, I would write it, and say it was my own, cause I can relate, and wish someone else could.

But for now, that's just my thoughts, not that you even care. But I needed to speak my mind, atleast this poor little blog wouldn't mind, but the readers probably give up after reading the first sentence, it's not amuzing to you, but yet so painful for me.

I Miss You

"I Miss You"

You used to call me your angel
Said I was sent straight down from heaven
You'd hold me close in your arms
I loved the way you felt so strong
I never wanted you to leave
I wanted you to stay here holding me

I miss you
I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear
Every once in a while
And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to knowI miss you

I miss youYou used to call me your dreamer
And now I'm living out my dream
Oh how I wish you could see
Everything that's happening for me
I'm thinking back on the past
It's true that time is flying by too fast

I know you're in a better place, yeah
But I wish that I could see your face,
ohI know you're where you need to be
Even though it's not here with me

I didn't write it, but it kinda works with me in some way. :) Anyway... I"m done now.

Could I talk to you just a little longer?
Could you hold on just a little longer?
Could you look me in the eye and say I love you just one more time?
Could you give me one more hug before I lose my everything?
Could you support me when I need it, just one more time?
Could I hear you voice, just one more time?
Could you play our song just one more time?

Could you not saying goodbye tonight and hangon for everything?
Could I wait for ever for you and have you never come back?
Will you come home tonight and still be alive?
Will all your friendship still not be forgotten?
Would you remember that I loved you?

Would you care if I laughed too hard?
Would you care if I cried cause I couldn't help it?
Would you care if I was as weak as a leaf?
Would you still love me?

Just don't even ask.... no idea

"Could you hold it just a little longer?" the calm voice inside me says, wishing she didn't have to let go. "I want to hold onto you forever, never let you go, I want to stay in the warm embrace, knowing that love is right there, coming straight from your heart. I don't want to hug to end, I want it to last forever. I want to stay in this comfort zone, where I know, I don't have to smile, where, I know that I can sit and cry on your shoulder and you won't care. Where I know I don't have to be tough, where I know for me to cry doesn't make me a wimp, but just shows life stinks. Where I know you understand, where I know that I'm safe from the world around me. Where, I know that you won't let go, until I let go, and even then you could still hang on."

I want the world to fade away, and only you exist there, standing in front of me. I want to put my head on your shoulder, and let the tears fall and know you don't care. I want to stand there, with you, and not move a muscle, I want to have two arms around me and put two arms around you, in a hard hug, I want to hang on and not let go. I want to laugh when needed, and cry when the time is right. I want to talk, but not necessarily talk, but sit in your arms, and let the world fade away, till it's just me and you left standing there.

Comment me if you so desire!

I have no idea

It's not about how you look
It's about who you are
It's not about how you dress
It's about who you are
It's not about the money you spend
It's about the inside
It's not about the words you use
It's about who you are
It's not about the language you use
It's about whats going on inside
It's not about your popularity status
It's about you being right with God
It's not about you being perfect
It's about you doing your best
It's not about how much skin you show
It's about how much skin you don't
It has nothing to do with the outside
It's all whats going on on the inside

Is Jesus there?
Is He working in you?
Are you being modest?
Are you living out your life in the best way you can?
Are you trying to be perfect, or just doing your best?
Are you failing and giving up, or learning from your mistakes?
Who are you?
Are you a clone or are you you?
As in you who God made you to be?
And who are you?

Comment me!

Not Good Enough

You could just say I'm not good enough
Yeah you had no choice
You got stuck with me
Yeah, I'm on your team now
And I know you probably hate it
Cause I'm not good enough for you
I mess up too much
I get yelled at cause it doesnt go where I want it to

I try
I promise I try
But I guess I just can't suceed
I'll give you my best
But my best isn't enough for you
I'll try hard
But my hardest isn't enough for you
I'll try and score
But when I make a goal,
You don't even care

Why I still play?
I love the sport
I can't stop
It's my thing
I just wish my work was good enough for you

Don't ask. Comment tho. :)