Tonight

I feel the wind in my face, I feel the grass against my ankles, I feel the tears stream down my face, I feel my arm slam the door shut. I feel alone. I'm running, running from this life. I'm running fast and I'm running hard. Today was too hard, this life is too hard, it seems so much easier to just run. I've gotten a head start, I've run away from life as fast as I could. I've left all the pain behind. I've left God, the one who seems to be causing all this. I've decided it's not worth working hard for it, I let go. I ran. I've left all my friends, I've left God.

Maybe this is you. All you want to do is run. Maybe you have an aching pain inside you, maybe life stinks. Maybe it would just be so much easier to run. Maybe running from everything, including God seems to be the easy way out. Maybe you've slammed the door shut on God, just like you would do to your annoying sibling. Maybe you've slammed that door shut on God's face, pushed him out. Maybe life's just too hard, and you blame God for hurting you. Maybe your blaming God for everything that's gone on. Maybe running just seems to much easier then facing life. Maybe the pain is just too great, and all you want to do is let go, give up, and run. Facing life is hard, so why not just run?

But, even when you slam the door on God, he doesn't slam the door on you. When you slam the door shut right on his face, he doesn't slam the door back on you. He waits for you, waits for you to open the door for him. He waits for you to turn around, he waits for you to come home. And when you decide to, he will be sitting there, waiting for you, he will be waiting with open arms, telling you to come, saying that he loves you. He never shut the door on you, you shut it on him. He's waiting for you to come back home.

Maybe your life's hard, maybe you've given up, run from everything, run from God. Maybe you feel that God wouldn't even want you to come back if you decided to come back. But, God is waiting for you to come home, come back. Maybe tonight, today, this very moment, it's time for you to come home. Maybe it's time for you to come and feel the embrace of your Savior, maybe it's time for you to come and sit on the lap of your Father, talk to him, sit on His lap, cry on his shoulder, be in his presence. Or maybe it just doesn't feel like he wants you, but guess what? I'm here to tell you at this moment that God loves you so much and wants you. He loves you and cares for you so much that he sent his son to DIE that painful death on the cross for you. He never slammed the door shut on you, he's sitting there, waiting for you. When you have no strength to move on, God will give you some. After all, he created you with an awesome plan, and he knows there is pain in your life, he knows your life may not be easy, he knows that you ran, and he's sitting there and waiting for you to come home.

He's been waiting for you to come home, he's been sitting and waiting for you ever since you left. And maybe this very day, this night, this very moment, maybe right now, it's time for you to come home...

Think

I think about you everyday, I think about what in the world I am supposed to say to you. When I look at you and see you down, I worry about you all the time. I'm look at you and I know I'm the one who messed us up. As I look at you, I look into your eyes, and I see you happy. I see you smiling, I see you with your friends, I see you having fun. I see the place where I used to stand, I see the space where I use to sit, now filled by the millions of other friends you have. I see the friends that have replaced me, I see the smiles that use to fill my face every time we would be together, now turn into the aching pain I feel every time I see your face. The pain of how I know I messed this up so bad. The things I told you, the things we would talk about, all the times we told each other we wouldn't be like the other friends, and we really would be friends forever, guess that didn't last. I know it's all my fault, and I know there is nothing I can do. I have tried so hard to fix stuff between us, I have tried to talk to you, but you just push me away. I know you don't have time for the one who left you.

I didn't mean to leave you, I didn't walk out on you. Who knew such a small misunderstanding could lead to all this? I feel like I tried so hard to let this friendship move on, but you seemed to not care, you gave up on me. I wish you could read this right now and know how I felt. I wish you understood that I still love you and care about you, but I guess you just hate me. I used to think I could somehow fix this all, guess I was wrong. I want to talk to you and work this out, but you've moved on.

The place where I used to stand is now taken by all the new friends that have replaced me. I look over at you, and I see you smiling, I'm happy to see that, but when I look at all the new friends you are with, it reminds me of all the fun times we had together, but because of a small understanding, I guess it's all over now.

Side note: The video below this post is a family at my church, and I don't know I thought their story was cool, and just wanted to share it, watch it if you want to, you don't have to, your choice.

Mikayla

I feel it piercing into me.
The words you say,
The complaints you give me
The millions of times over and over you say how bad you are
The times you yell at me every time I say a word
Do you know how bad the hurts?
Do you not see all the tears streaming down my face, when you aren't looking?
Do you not know how appreciated and loved you are?
Whatever happened to the times we used to spend together
The times we would hang out, and laugh together
The fun times we used to have together
The days before she moved
Why did they all leave?
Why now is it just you yelling at me?
I know I'm not perfect, and it hurts to hear it from you
What do you want me to do?
I can't do everything the way you want it
I'm not your perfect little child
I'm sorry.
I know I'm a disappointment to you and just make your life harder
Sorry you have to deal with me.
I really am sorry.

I wish...

I wish just for one moment that it would all go away
I wish just for one moment I could be sitting beside you talking to you
I wish just for one moment the rest of the world would go away and all I could see was you
I wish I could tell you everything that goes on
I wish I could tell you the truth
I wish just for a moment I could know you understood
I wish just for a moment I would be bold enough to speak
I wish just for a moment I could tell you the truth from my heart
I wish the world was different, and that hurt wasn't such a big part of it
I wish the pain could simple go away
I wish it wouldn't keep coming back the memories of you...
The uncried tears
The unshown pain
The things I've held so close and lost
The pain I've never talked about
The pain that's never shown through the smile
The tears in my eyes that don't fall
The pain I can't let go
This life is hard, shouldn't say I never expected that
But, I haven't let go yet
I've learned to lean on you
To let you lead me
And there is nothing else I can do but follow

The Gathering

This is at my church, and it's the service that I go to, and I would have to say it's pretty awesome. That in a commercial that is on certain channels on TV, and I found it, and just thought it was cool to see what people said about it. I agree, I think it it great. In case you couldn't tell from the video, this is a more upbeat service and its more laid back and just awesome. It is based to the setting where it is more for teens, and everything is more relaxed and understandable for young adults, and student. Just wanted to share that with you! :)

The Day

I still remember the day when those words were spoken to me, those words I will never forget. The words that meant I was losing someone I loved. The words that my Dad said to me as I walked into the car that night after a fall retreat. To any other person, it wouldn't have matter, to anyone else it wouldn't have been a big deal, but for me it was. The words hurt and I still remember that day, like it was yesterday.

I came home from a fall retreat with my church. I got in the car, and was happy, and having a great day. I had just gotten home from a really awesome fall retreat. I got in the car with my dad, and we started to drive home. I told him about the weekend, and then it came. The words I never wish he would have said, the words that went down and pierced my heart and my smile and good times like a huge knife cutting off that smile, and hitting my heart so hard, I felt like this wasn't the first time this had happened. I had already lost a mom, and now the person in my life that I could call mom was gone. She was moving a long way away. She was gone without the words goodbye, she was just gone. My Dad said the words to me, and I remember that very moment. He said to me, "She's moving to Colorado." My immediate reaction, was isn't she going to come back to get her stuff, sell her house and all that, and I was happy, cause I would get to see her before she left, well no luck there. She had her house sold by her daughter and her daughter packed everything up for her and they moved out there. I never saw her again, and I never saw her since. As I sat in the back seat of the car, I could feel the tear building up inside of me, the only person I could call mom was now gone. The words hurt me and burned in me. I tried really hard not to cry, I didn't want to look dumb. The words played over and over in my head. The pain was so great, I didn't know what to do. It hurt for me to know that I would never be able to go have days out with her anymore, she couldn't take me away from my family, talk to me, show her care to me, talk to me, love me, be there for me. She was gone, and never did I get to say goodbye to her, give her a final hug, tell her that I would miss her, she was just gone.

I'm not putting this up here so that I can get pity, but to give you a glimpse of what God does in my life. He took her away from my life, and he left me with these words.

"Kate, I know that plans I have for you, they are plans to prosper you and not to harm you, they are plans to give you a hope and a future. Kate, I have an awesome plan for your life, when you don't have strength to move on, fall on me. When you cry, I will catch every tear in the palm of my hand. When no one will listen, I will listen to you for just as long as you want. When you get to sick of this life that you want to run, run to me, my arm are open wide. Come and sit on my lap, talk to me, I'll be here for you. Cause, guess what Kate?! I have a really awesome plan for your life, all I need you to do is trust me."

I'm not asking for pity, I'm showing you how awesome our God is, and how his awesome plans are so much better then what we expect. I would love to tell you that I'm over everything, but I mean it isn't always easy, I still cry cause I miss her, it still hurts me to see her gone, but I know that God's there for me, and he placed some awesome friends in my life who are there for me and keep me smiling and catch me when I fall, and tell me it will be okay. God knows what hes doing for your life too, you just have to trust him and wait on his time.

God's Courts

As it was said in chapel, the song will never be sung in the same way, I won't ever sing that song again, without thinking about what he said, and the story he told. In the movie "Bridge to Terabithia", the main dude, I don't remember his name, makes a little boat like thing you could call it and he puts it into the water. Once he does that and he sets it on the water, as he places it into the water, he says, "she is in your hands now."

For me, it's just comforting to know that she's in God's hands. It was part of God's plan that she isn't here anymore, he chose to take her and let her play in his courts. You take your pick at what kind of court it is, but I just imagine her up there playing in his court. And when I remember that, it just brightens my day. I have to face the pity I get from people around me everyday for not having a mom, and I have a new response, rather then getting mad about it, or letting it ruin my day, it has become a simple answer, and it's this. Ya know what, it's okay. It's all part of God's plan. Because, I've learned that pity isn't going to help me, but if I get mad about it, and let it ruin the day, it doesn't make things any worse, and anyway, it's all part of God's plan, he knew what he was doing, and I just have to wait on his time, to see what he wants to do with me.

Playing in God's court now, not here, she's done here, but now she is up there, playing in God's court.

I know this was an incredible dumb post, but just wanted to put it out there...

Think

Last night at church, I really got to thinking, and I mean I've thought about this before, but it hit me really hard last night. I went to church last night, as I always do, and I mean nothing was different, I mean yeah it was Easter, and they had an Easter theme, but as always I wasn't totally with it, I'm always here and there, I can never just sit and listen, but last night just for a moment, I could.

It was Easter yesterday, and I just thought about it. Jesus never did HAVE to die, he chose to, and it was for me? I mean, why me? I am so messed up, I thought about the millions of times I had messed stuff up just that very day, and how i do so much wrong in just a simple time. I am no where near close to perfect, but yet Jesus wanted to die for me? Why would he want to die for me? The automatic response, was because he loves you and he didn't have to die for you, he chose to. I thought, but I'm selfish, and a jerk, I mess stuff up all the time, why would a perfect person want to die for me? Why would anyone want to die for me? Why in the world would someone as perfect as him want to die for... me? Why would he love me? Why does anyone love me? Because he loves me, and he loves you, he didn't have to die on that cross and take that painful death, he chose to. And yet, I am so selfish. I don't have enough time to spend just an hour talking to him during a day, but yet I have millions of hours to talk to my friends and sit around and do nothing, but I don't have time to spend with my Saviour.

God is awesome, the best friend in the world, he did so much for me, now it's my time to thank him.... for calling me a child.