MOM!

I guess the hardest part is moving on, and not just saying that I'm going to move on, but to really move one. The thing is, my Mom lives in me, and I miss her so much, cause it's just like this passion and need for her won't go away. And the thing is, I really a hurting in so many ways. Cause, I don't understand this at all. I don't know why God had to chose me, and I don't know why it can kill so bad sometimes.

And it's like, why can't my dad stop yelling at me, and just notice I need a friend. Like in movies, you can walk away, and parents know something is wrong, and they do something about it, and I wish my dad could tell, and would do something about it. Call a best friend, tell them to get their butt over here, and talk to me, or just let them come over on their own will. I just need a friend, but I don't trust any of my friends, but my loyal Knight, the rest could care less and could just look at the small picture of it all and say that nothings wrong, when inside I kill like never before. All I need is a friend hanging around, letting me talk when needed, not forcing me to talk, and just the random hugs at random moments, that just remind me you are there and you do care, but no one else does, and I don't know.

I don't know, it seems like no matter what I do, memories find their way in. Tonight it was a stupid movie, tomorrow who knows what it will be. I don't have patient to be around other people, all I want is you, Dani.

It's just I miss you so much, Mom. I promise you its every time I look and see me, there is an image of you there too. I miss you more than I ever have before, I just wish their was a girl around, and I wasn't left all alone to face life on my own, cause I can promise you that's not easy. I feel so broken, so messed up, and I don't know what else to say besides, I miss you and wish somehow you could be here, and I could talk to you, just once.

And it kills me to think that your gone for good, I guess the 13 years is catching up to me, I can't put it off anymore, cause it hurts all too much. I need someone there all the time, but no one is, and I don't know, it just kills me.

I Wanna Be Your Best Friend
By: Kate Crane
Dedicated to: Dani Boucher

I see you standing there
I wonder what you want me to do
I watch your every move
I think I’ve got you figured out

You change your mood
And I get lost
I wonder if I’ll ever figure you out
I want to be the best friend I can
But I feel as though I just mess up

I want to be there for you
Every time you fall
But you push me away
And I don’t think you need me at all

I want to be your best friend
There by your side each step of the way
But how can I do it?
When all you do is push me away
I want you to trust me
But you seem never able to

I want to be there for you
Every time you fall
I wish you could just take my hand
And learn to not let go
And learn not to let go

I can see the pain in your eyes
And I don’t know what to doWill I ever win this fight? Or will you learn to let go?

*Attempted song, dumb, but working on music to go with it, so it's not just lyrics, not going so well tho. :)

My Life Falling Apart

My world falls down right before my eyes

First off comes the "depression", cause I stinkin miss you so much
The thought of feeling alone
Not understanding
Questioning
This goes on for a week and and a half, and I still don't understand it

Then things start to get better
And my dad comes along with his ragging
Claims he never spazzes at me
And then tells me that if I think it's good than it's good
And he yells at me later cause it's not good enough
And well, I'm sorry I'm your germfreakish daughter
And I'm sorry that I have a "Mom" that cares about me
And call me to say happy birthday
And doesn't call you
Maybe she understands that I need some love
Cause I don't get love from a Mom
So she tries her best to fill that in for me
Ever even think how I feel about this?
And sorry I'm grumpy
I don't even know how I am

Do you even understand how much life stinks for me right now?
Do you understand what it's like to be a girl, living in an all guys family?
Do you understand what it's like to lose two of the closest people to me, in 13 years?
And to lose so many best friends
And finally find one I trust
And you hate me talking to her
Cause I'm wasting my time
I would be no where with her

And God, are you even out there anymore?
Do you even care?

I hate this!
It all kills too much.
I need a friend
But I'm asking for a lot out of you
You sure you can take that?

Every Saturday

Maybe it's not just because my emotions have got a hold of me and won't let me go, maybe it's because it really does sting. Thinking about it more and more makes it sting so much more. Thinking about it makes me wonder why it had to happen. Thinking about it, I feel tears swell up in my eyes, cause I know there is nothing that I can to fix it. Thinking about it, I wonder why it all had to happen.

Saturdays have never been the same
And I still can’t believe you’re gone
So many things I wish that I could say
I guess the hardest part of moving on
Are these memories that have overtaken me
Once again I’m right here on my knees
I’m barely hanging on
With all these empty feelings
I’m hurting in so many ways
And though I can’t begin to understand the reason
I still believe that you’re GOD

And I still can't believe you're gone:
The thing is, I don't want to think your gone, Mom, I want you to be here, cause I miss you too much, and it kills me everyday. I wish that you were around, and it's not just that my emotions have taken over me, it's like a friend said, your a part of me, your a part of who I am, I'm told I sound like you, and I act like you, and that kills, cause I want to meet you, I want to see your face, I want a hug from you, a comforting hug, the love I never got from Dad, I want it so so bad. I don't want to listen when people say your gone, I don't want you to be gone, I want you to be here with me.

So many things I wish that I could say:
There is so much I want to tell you, and show you, and so many things I just wish you could be proud of me for, I wish that I could not only talk to you, but hear your voice and encouragement from you, cause I need it.

I guess the hardest part is moving on:
It's so hard to thing is to let you go, to move on, to keep walking, to get up, and say hey, your gone, but I still need to move on, cause it hurts so much sometimes, and it just kills a deep hole into you, and it screams. I don't want to move on with the fact that your gone, it's taking me 13 years to.

Are these memories that have over taken me:
They have taken me, yeah maybe I never met you, but the thing is, I can see people all around me, looking, smiling, walking with their moms, talking about how they did this and that, and I just look and say, I wish that was me, I wish I had memories like that with you.

I'm barley hanging on/I'm hurting in so many ways:
I can't hang on anymore, I am about to fall, I don't think I can hang on with this pinkie anymore, I'm going to slip and fall, and Mom, it hurts way too much for me to bear, I wish someone understood that, I wish someone could say, I've been through it, Kate, and I know it's hard, but no one has.

And though I can't begin to understand the reason:
No way do I understand why it is this way, so many questions without answers.

I still believe that your God:
I wish that was true, I wish I could just trust God, but the thing is, it's so hard, cause it hurts so much, I wish it all would go away, but the thing is, it won't, it's stuck with me, and it kills like nothing else.

I guess the point is, I don't understand it and yes it hurts so much more than I can bear some days, and right now, I don't think it's just that my emotions have gotten a hold of me, I think it's that she lives in me, after all I'm her daughter. She shines through me, in different things I do, and I've tried to ignore it for 13 years, I've tried to pretend it doesn't matter. I've told people, it's fine, because I was only one and a half, but the thing is, that's now how it works. I've put it aside, I've tried to push it away and tried to ignore the fact that it even happened, and it's catching up to me and it stings, so so bad. I have cried more in the past week than ever in my life. I can't stand it! It hurts too much. Way too much. I miss you, Mom. Wish you were here.

Still Hurts

Some of you who read my blog, check it everyday, and by now, your thinking, what in the world is she talking about? She has talked about it way too much, how bad can it really be? But the thing is, you won't understand it till you are standing right where the pain is. You won't know what it's like to lose a mom, until you've lost it. You won't know what it's like to be me, till you have grown up with guys who put you down, make fun of you and your friends and won't leave you alone, and guys who don't see the difference it is for a girl who loses a mom.

And I don't want you to look me in the eye, and say, "Kate, I understand what your going through, my grandpa died last year and that was really hard for me." I'll look you straight in the eye, and say you don't understand and walk away. Your just lost inside the walls I've built. Your looking at the mask and saying its the full truth. Your looking at the smile and following it. Your looking at me and seeing a mask and that's it.

You don't know me, unless you know how much it hurts me. You don't know me, until you sit in front of me and watch me. Cause it kills me, it is like sticking a knife into my heart. And yeah, I don't understand it. I don't get why God chose me to let this all happen to. I don't understand why God would pick me, cause for weak little me, it hurts too much.

It kills like nothing I've ever felt. It came out of nowhere, and just dug it's own little whole into me, and broke me into pieces. It took over me. I can't try and hide it, cause I can only hide it so long, maybe I can make it through a school day, but that's maximum. I've given up trying to ignore it, cause it some how finds it's way into every situation. No matter how hard I try and push it away, it finds its way back, the memories, the dreams, the wishes, the hopes, they are gone, and I'm left to fall flat on my face, to let go.

I'm hurting in so many ways, and I don't understand it at all. I just wish someone would take the time to give me the extra hug in a day, I mean you can tell me you will, but will you really do it?

All the wishes I had, all the times I tried to ignore it, all the time I pushed it away, all the times I tried to play tough and act like it didn't happen, somehow it's caught up with me and it now standing right next to me, pulling me down and pulling me apart. Cause, man it just hurts so so much.

Kills!

I'm sure it has started to follow me. I'm sure that I can't get it out of my head, and it's just going to stay there and pull me down. I'm sure there is no way that everything can be okay. I don't understand why God did took her, I don't understand where all this sudden pain came from. I don't get why it came out of nowhere and it hurts so much. I don't get how everyday I can make it through a day. I don't get how no one would ever know. I don't get why people can look at me, and just say hey Kate, stop staring off into space, but ya know, maybe I'm doing that just cause it hurts so bad, and just thinking about it kills me more than you could ever understand.

You wish that I would trust you, you try and make me talk, but my best friend can rarely ever get me to talk, so I wouldn't even try. Yeah, she may know all about this, and she may know how I feel about it, but it's cause she's there for me, it's cause she doesn't force me to talk, she LETS ME talk, when I WANT TO TALK, she has never forced me to talk, she has always listened. And if you want to gain trust in me, your going to have to show me some how that you are trustworthy. I'm not going to come out and tell you my life story, if I don't have trust in you. There is ONE PERSON who I have ever told in my 14 years of being alive how I really felt about it all, and that was my best friend.

You want me to be a best friend to you, but when have you been a best friend to me? When have you ever taken the time to listen to me? When have you ever taken the time to try and be my friend, try and understand me and what's going on? When have you just said, "Kate, I know you need me, and I don't know what's going on, but I'm here." Cause yeah, you may look at me, and say hey Kate's tough, she doesn't need anything in return, she always encourages me, why would she need encouragement, she's got it all in her. But do you know how hard it is to listen to your own encouragement? I can't listen to myself, cause I don't. I need it coming from a friend, and if you aren't going to give it to me, maybe I won't give it to you. Cause it's the people who give it who need it most, cause they know what it's like to need it and not get it.

I hurt so much. It kills so much. I wish everything was okay, but it really isn't. I wish that you where still here, I wish that I wasn't alone, the only girl, I wish that I understood, where this ongoing pain came from. I wish someone would take the time out of their day, give me a hug, and let me cry on their shoulder, build trust in me (or be the only one i trust), and try and be the friend back that I try and be for them. I feel like I have one friend out there that I really trust, and she has no idea how much I appreciate everything that she does for me all the time. She has no idea, although I wish she did. I love her so much. But that doesn't make the pain stop, it doesn't make it go away.

You got answers to my question, cause I would really like to know. How can I get so much pain coming from nowhere? How can this hurt so much? I wish it didn't, I wish it was all back that way it was, I wish it was all perfect, I wish you where here. I wish I didn't cry because of you, but on you. I don't get it, and I don't know what to do anymore, got answers for me, fill me in, cause I need to know.

I wish you could ask me if I was okay, and I could honestly tell you I was, but the thoughts, the memories follow me everywhere I go, and they hurt so much. Tears build up all day, the pain builds inside, I don't know what to do anymore, I miss you, and it hurts way too much, it's not even right.

It just kills so much!

Thoughts at the Moment

Tonight it's not just that I want you
It's the I need you around
Tears stream down my face
I feel like I can't move on
And I tell you what's going on and you listen
To all my questions without answers
To all the pain I feel tonight
And how much it kills like nothing else
I need you tonight
More than I ever have
I've held it in too long
It hurts too much
I wish I could take you away
And just get one good hug from you
And not let go
I wish it didn't have to hurt like this
I wish that I didn't have to remember this
I wish I understood why it hurts so much tonight

But, I don't, it just kills, like nothing else. I'll break down... probably soon.

I Miss You (part 3)

How many times will you tell me you understand? How many times are you going to sit in front of me, and say, I'm here for you, I understand what your going through, when the closest thing you got to losing a mom, is your grandpa that you never talked to that died when you were a month old. Don't tell me you understand when you really don't. Cause you don't get what depression is, you don't get what its like to want to not move, to cry, but yet keep a reputation of being tough, you don't know what it's like to wish so bad that you had her back, you don't know what it's like to be the only girl in your family and hurt so much you don't even know what to do, but just put the thought away, so you can make it through a day. You don't know what it's like to sit through someone talking about death, and suicide, and then walking and seeing your friends don't even care, and you were trying hard not to cry.

You hold me close in your arms, I loved the way you felt so strong.

You think that maybe I wouldn't know what it would feel like, but ya know, I had someone close enough to me that she was my mom, and she was moved away, and you don't know how stinkin hard that is for me, she was the best. She gave amazing hugs, and now I miss those, those made it so I could go on, the made it all okay, and guess what, it's not. It hurts way too much for me to bear.

Oh how I wish you could see everything that's happening for me...

I wish you could be proud of me, I wish you could be here for me, and yeah maybe I wouldn't talk to you all the time, but I wish you were hear, so we could go out just cause we felt like it, and it wouldn't be with a guy that didn't understand anything I was going through.

And I still shed a tear every once in a while

More than you know, cause I miss her so much some days, there are days I'll sit in my room and cry for no reason, just cause I wish she was around, or maybe it's not even her, I wish Tammy was around. But the thing is, their not, and that kills me so much.

You can't tell me you understand cause I know you don't. And if you would stinkin take the time to listen to me, maybe you would understand. If you would stinkin even care to look at me, knowing life stinks, and say hey Kate, this is cause i love you, and give me a nice hug, sper of the moment, you don't know what that would mean to me.

Sorry, I'll shut up, I'm just kinda getting out my thoughts, to someone, even if no one reads this, but ya know, at least it's out there.

I Miss You (Cont)

It's not just a simple I can relate, cause someone I know in my long family tree, it's the one in my family, the one I would have been able to come to, the other girl in my family that would have been through some of the stuff I have been through, the person who would have understood. The thing is that people don't get it till it's them going through it. It's not as simple as you think it is, it's as hard as a rock that can't be broken. It's harder everyday. I miss her, like nothing else some days, and other days I don't want to make it reality and I just want to pretend it never happens, and that somehow maybe the world would be just how I wanted it to be. If you understood it, I would tell you everything, but you don't. If you took the time to stop pitying me and took some time just to listen to what I go through everyday, maybe I would tell you, maybe I would learn to talk some, but the thing is, would you even care to listen? It's critical for a girl to have another girl in her life and for me, all I have is my friends, yeah they may be the best friends in the world, but it's still not the same. If that song wasn't by Hannah Montana, I would write it, and say it was my own, cause I can relate, and wish someone else could.

But for now, that's just my thoughts, not that you even care. But I needed to speak my mind, atleast this poor little blog wouldn't mind, but the readers probably give up after reading the first sentence, it's not amuzing to you, but yet so painful for me.

I Miss You

"I Miss You"

You used to call me your angel
Said I was sent straight down from heaven
You'd hold me close in your arms
I loved the way you felt so strong
I never wanted you to leave
I wanted you to stay here holding me

I miss you
I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear
Every once in a while
And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to knowI miss you

I miss youYou used to call me your dreamer
And now I'm living out my dream
Oh how I wish you could see
Everything that's happening for me
I'm thinking back on the past
It's true that time is flying by too fast

I know you're in a better place, yeah
But I wish that I could see your face,
ohI know you're where you need to be
Even though it's not here with me

I didn't write it, but it kinda works with me in some way. :) Anyway... I"m done now.

Could I talk to you just a little longer?
Could you hold on just a little longer?
Could you look me in the eye and say I love you just one more time?
Could you give me one more hug before I lose my everything?
Could you support me when I need it, just one more time?
Could I hear you voice, just one more time?
Could you play our song just one more time?

Could you not saying goodbye tonight and hangon for everything?
Could I wait for ever for you and have you never come back?
Will you come home tonight and still be alive?
Will all your friendship still not be forgotten?
Would you remember that I loved you?

Would you care if I laughed too hard?
Would you care if I cried cause I couldn't help it?
Would you care if I was as weak as a leaf?
Would you still love me?

Just don't even ask.... no idea

"Could you hold it just a little longer?" the calm voice inside me says, wishing she didn't have to let go. "I want to hold onto you forever, never let you go, I want to stay in the warm embrace, knowing that love is right there, coming straight from your heart. I don't want to hug to end, I want it to last forever. I want to stay in this comfort zone, where I know, I don't have to smile, where, I know that I can sit and cry on your shoulder and you won't care. Where I know I don't have to be tough, where I know for me to cry doesn't make me a wimp, but just shows life stinks. Where I know you understand, where I know that I'm safe from the world around me. Where, I know that you won't let go, until I let go, and even then you could still hang on."

I want the world to fade away, and only you exist there, standing in front of me. I want to put my head on your shoulder, and let the tears fall and know you don't care. I want to stand there, with you, and not move a muscle, I want to have two arms around me and put two arms around you, in a hard hug, I want to hang on and not let go. I want to laugh when needed, and cry when the time is right. I want to talk, but not necessarily talk, but sit in your arms, and let the world fade away, till it's just me and you left standing there.

Comment me if you so desire!

I have no idea

It's not about how you look
It's about who you are
It's not about how you dress
It's about who you are
It's not about the money you spend
It's about the inside
It's not about the words you use
It's about who you are
It's not about the language you use
It's about whats going on inside
It's not about your popularity status
It's about you being right with God
It's not about you being perfect
It's about you doing your best
It's not about how much skin you show
It's about how much skin you don't
It has nothing to do with the outside
It's all whats going on on the inside

Is Jesus there?
Is He working in you?
Are you being modest?
Are you living out your life in the best way you can?
Are you trying to be perfect, or just doing your best?
Are you failing and giving up, or learning from your mistakes?
Who are you?
Are you a clone or are you you?
As in you who God made you to be?
And who are you?

Comment me!

Not Good Enough

You could just say I'm not good enough
Yeah you had no choice
You got stuck with me
Yeah, I'm on your team now
And I know you probably hate it
Cause I'm not good enough for you
I mess up too much
I get yelled at cause it doesnt go where I want it to

I try
I promise I try
But I guess I just can't suceed
I'll give you my best
But my best isn't enough for you
I'll try hard
But my hardest isn't enough for you
I'll try and score
But when I make a goal,
You don't even care

Why I still play?
I love the sport
I can't stop
It's my thing
I just wish my work was good enough for you

Don't ask. Comment tho. :)

No idea

Your say you understand
When I'm sure you don't
You say you understand
How could you?
You are the one who stands to the side
You watch me grow
But you've never been there

You say you understand
But I know you don't
You say I'll be okay
How do you know?

You stand to the side
You watch me grow
But you've never been there

You've never felt the knife being jabbed into your heart
Knowing she's gone
Or at least for now
You used to see her
And now she's not there
You used to be loved
And now your not

You say you understand
But I know you don't
You you understand
But how could you?
You've never been there
Felt my pain
How could you understand?
Cause I don't.


It has no name, just something I wrote, that came from no where. So yeah... comment it if you so desire.

Near

God, where are you? God, I can’t find you
I’m searching for you
God, where are you?

God, are you hiding,
In a place I can’t see?
God, I can’t feel you presence
Are you still there?

Chorus:
Be near, God, I need you tonight
As I fall to the floor,
As my knees hit the floor tonight,
God, be near to me

God, men used to speak to you
Why, oh why, can’t I?Why can’t I hear you when the storms starts to fall
Why aren’t you there when I need you most?

Bridge:
God, be near
God, be near
God, I’m crying out to you
God, be near tonight

Just something I wrote, it's dumb, I know.

Tomorrow

I'm getting baptized tomorrow, and I so don't know if I'm ready for this or not. I'm flipping out right now. It's my only chance, ever with my church to get baptized, and I don't know if I'm ready for this, it just came up so fast, and now it's happening tomorrow, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for this. I feel like I got so fired up for it on Wednesday, and now I'm flipping out about. There will be so many people coming just to watch me, and I don't know if I'm really ready for this. Guess, it's what I'm doing tomorrow, and I don't plan on letting go of it.

With 4 word, You created light
With 3 words, You calmed a storm
With love and compassion,
You healed the sick
And befriended the poor
When you spoke, many listened
When you walked, many followed

Chorus:
You deserve more than you get
You deserve all control
Why can't we just understand that?
What has to happen to make us give it all to you?

We can't do this on our own
Although we wish we could
We like control, and hate giving it away
We want to have all control
But really you deserve it

Bridge:
It's all yours
I give it all to you (2x)

That's what I want with my life, I want God to have it, I want Him to use me as His servant. I want to be used for his ministry. I feel a calling in me, and I want to follow it. Maybe I am excited for my baptism, cause that's the truth of it all, that's my truth, I'm going to go out there and get baptized, and that's my next step, and my way to show others that my life is in God's hands and let them keep me accountable for that.

This is for Dani

This is for Dani, because she said that she really needs something to read, and yeah, I haven't updated in awhile, so this is all for her... cause I've got nothing else to talk about. She was all on my case for not updating in awhile, (which was true), so I decided to make this loverly post just for her, well cause I have nothing better to do. And man, have I ever missed talking to her in awhile, its been a whole two days, as she says, I'm unsure if that's true or not, well yeah I guess it was two days ago. Yeah, but world, just so ya know, Dani's pretty awesome, and ya know, I am pretty lucky to know her, exspecially cause she hangs out with me, but I guess she's pretty weird too, the only reason I hang out with her is cause her mom pays me. I'm not sure I ever want to talk to her again though, after last time, cause she laughed her head off at me, which wasn't very nice, I was extremely hurt, so I hung up on her. Anyway, as you can see, we have some pretty good times together. There's other times when we are completely serious, and yeah, that's fun too though, cause she's a pretty amazing listener, and encourager to me, and I love her for that. But yeah, the food on the table is calling, so I must hither away now... but I love you, Dani, and I sure hope this blog was good enough for you. :)

You Win!

Left hand positioned, right hand positioned
I'm ready for a fight, Who will win today?
You want my life, I won't give it to you
You want control, keep dreamin

It's a fight everyday
Who will win today?

You win!
Cause your stronger
You win!
Cause you've got the power
You win!
Cause I can't do it on my own
You win!

The fight begins as a even match
I think I could beat you today
The fight begins and you push me down
Just as fast as the clock begins
I'm down

You win!
So here's my life
You win!
So you have control
You win!
My life is yours
You win!
It's all yours.

That's something... I could have potently wrote it, then again most likely I didn't. But that's for you to figure out. Now... hidden message? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. :)

Another Star Story

Last night, I was sitting outside with some friends, and we were star gazing, and doing like a little question thing, and you know, just having some fun and talking, one of the things I personally do best, and yeah.

I was sitting there, with my two closest friends, one on each side and just thinking about God, and how amazing and powerful he is. And I don't know what went through my head, but I was thinking about God and my life. How much control he does have of my life, and how much he should. Cause, he is all powerful and it's so hard for me to try and control my own life, and I don't know, I was just thinking about my life, and how God puts people around me to support me and lift me up when I can't go on anymore, and how God I try to take my life into my own hands, and how God, the one who created everything with just a few words, and how me, a little grain of sand in the world won't be able to do much without him on my side. And there are things I feel that I need to do, and what God's plan for my life is, and I know I can't do them on my own, but I'm that kind of person who hates asking people for help, even God, I like to do things on my own, even though I know I can't.

There is a song by Toby Mac and it goes...
Cause I'm letting go of everything I am
And I'm holding on to everything You are
I'm letting go of everything I once was
I'm all in
I'm fallin' into Your arms again
I'm letting go
I'm letting go

And sometimes I think that it has to be that way with me, cause I need to let go of what I hold on to, and let go of my plans, my hopes, my dreams, and my control, and hold on to what God has in store for me, and let Him have the control he deserves.

I know this doesn't make sense, it all made sense in my head. :)