Near

God, where are you? God, I can’t find you
I’m searching for you
God, where are you?

God, are you hiding,
In a place I can’t see?
God, I can’t feel you presence
Are you still there?

Chorus:
Be near, God, I need you tonight
As I fall to the floor,
As my knees hit the floor tonight,
God, be near to me

God, men used to speak to you
Why, oh why, can’t I?Why can’t I hear you when the storms starts to fall
Why aren’t you there when I need you most?

Bridge:
God, be near
God, be near
God, I’m crying out to you
God, be near tonight

Just something I wrote, it's dumb, I know.

Tomorrow

I'm getting baptized tomorrow, and I so don't know if I'm ready for this or not. I'm flipping out right now. It's my only chance, ever with my church to get baptized, and I don't know if I'm ready for this, it just came up so fast, and now it's happening tomorrow, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for this. I feel like I got so fired up for it on Wednesday, and now I'm flipping out about. There will be so many people coming just to watch me, and I don't know if I'm really ready for this. Guess, it's what I'm doing tomorrow, and I don't plan on letting go of it.

With 4 word, You created light
With 3 words, You calmed a storm
With love and compassion,
You healed the sick
And befriended the poor
When you spoke, many listened
When you walked, many followed

Chorus:
You deserve more than you get
You deserve all control
Why can't we just understand that?
What has to happen to make us give it all to you?

We can't do this on our own
Although we wish we could
We like control, and hate giving it away
We want to have all control
But really you deserve it

Bridge:
It's all yours
I give it all to you (2x)

That's what I want with my life, I want God to have it, I want Him to use me as His servant. I want to be used for his ministry. I feel a calling in me, and I want to follow it. Maybe I am excited for my baptism, cause that's the truth of it all, that's my truth, I'm going to go out there and get baptized, and that's my next step, and my way to show others that my life is in God's hands and let them keep me accountable for that.

This is for Dani

This is for Dani, because she said that she really needs something to read, and yeah, I haven't updated in awhile, so this is all for her... cause I've got nothing else to talk about. She was all on my case for not updating in awhile, (which was true), so I decided to make this loverly post just for her, well cause I have nothing better to do. And man, have I ever missed talking to her in awhile, its been a whole two days, as she says, I'm unsure if that's true or not, well yeah I guess it was two days ago. Yeah, but world, just so ya know, Dani's pretty awesome, and ya know, I am pretty lucky to know her, exspecially cause she hangs out with me, but I guess she's pretty weird too, the only reason I hang out with her is cause her mom pays me. I'm not sure I ever want to talk to her again though, after last time, cause she laughed her head off at me, which wasn't very nice, I was extremely hurt, so I hung up on her. Anyway, as you can see, we have some pretty good times together. There's other times when we are completely serious, and yeah, that's fun too though, cause she's a pretty amazing listener, and encourager to me, and I love her for that. But yeah, the food on the table is calling, so I must hither away now... but I love you, Dani, and I sure hope this blog was good enough for you. :)

You Win!

Left hand positioned, right hand positioned
I'm ready for a fight, Who will win today?
You want my life, I won't give it to you
You want control, keep dreamin

It's a fight everyday
Who will win today?

You win!
Cause your stronger
You win!
Cause you've got the power
You win!
Cause I can't do it on my own
You win!

The fight begins as a even match
I think I could beat you today
The fight begins and you push me down
Just as fast as the clock begins
I'm down

You win!
So here's my life
You win!
So you have control
You win!
My life is yours
You win!
It's all yours.

That's something... I could have potently wrote it, then again most likely I didn't. But that's for you to figure out. Now... hidden message? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. :)

Another Star Story

Last night, I was sitting outside with some friends, and we were star gazing, and doing like a little question thing, and you know, just having some fun and talking, one of the things I personally do best, and yeah.

I was sitting there, with my two closest friends, one on each side and just thinking about God, and how amazing and powerful he is. And I don't know what went through my head, but I was thinking about God and my life. How much control he does have of my life, and how much he should. Cause, he is all powerful and it's so hard for me to try and control my own life, and I don't know, I was just thinking about my life, and how God puts people around me to support me and lift me up when I can't go on anymore, and how God I try to take my life into my own hands, and how God, the one who created everything with just a few words, and how me, a little grain of sand in the world won't be able to do much without him on my side. And there are things I feel that I need to do, and what God's plan for my life is, and I know I can't do them on my own, but I'm that kind of person who hates asking people for help, even God, I like to do things on my own, even though I know I can't.

There is a song by Toby Mac and it goes...
Cause I'm letting go of everything I am
And I'm holding on to everything You are
I'm letting go of everything I once was
I'm all in
I'm fallin' into Your arms again
I'm letting go
I'm letting go

And sometimes I think that it has to be that way with me, cause I need to let go of what I hold on to, and let go of my plans, my hopes, my dreams, and my control, and hold on to what God has in store for me, and let Him have the control he deserves.

I know this doesn't make sense, it all made sense in my head. :)

The stars...


As I sat one night, up at camp, looking out into the stars above me, the amazing and bright stars, in the middle of all the fields, I thought about the Creator, and how he created each and every one of those stars. He took each star, and they were all hand crafted by Him. Then he took all of them, and placed them just where he wanted them to be and glow. And when you think about that, and you compare it to us, and think about how much MORE important to him we are, it's amazing.


He took each one of us too, and he hand crafted us all, just the way we are, perfectly made, without a single mistake. And as the stars were made perfect, they were also placed perfectly just where they belong, so they can shine bright, and be used just for what God wants them to do. And it's the same with us. We were each placed in our own place, our own situation for a reason, a reason that we don't even know about. We were put there so that God could do His work through us. We are special to him, and each and everyone of us was created just the way we are for a reason. We each are placed JUST where we are supposed to be, with the exact life style for a reason...

That's my star gazing story...

Running

Sometimes life is just too hard. Sometimes pain is really painful, sometimes you just want to get up and run away from life. I don't know what has gone on in your guys' lives, but I know for me, sometimes it just feels like running.

Ya know the days that totally stink? For me, I think the worst ones are when they are going great, and the something happens, and it all is a downfall from there. Sometimes on those days, all you want to do is run away from life. You can't handle it anymore. Maybe all this is just me, maybe I'm the only person who has days like this, I really don't know, cause I don't know every detail of your life and what has gone on in your life.

I don't know what went on today, I don't know what has been going on in your life. I don't know what kind of pain you keep inside, or what kind of things go wrong. I don't know if you have ever felt like running away from it all.

But, if you are like me, you understand pain, you understand that people expect you to be tough, you understand what holding everything in is, you know what it feels like when you just have days when all you want to do is run away from everything, and not come back to it. But, maybe your not like me, maybe everything always goes right for you, I don't know.

But, for me, it was just last night, I was sitting in my room, and all I wanted to do was run away. Then, I talked to one of my friends, and although she didn't do much, although she just listened to me, it helped me sooooo much. She encouraged me, and told me that I had to trust God, and it was just when I felt I didn't have any more strength to move on, that I gained just a little. And when I wanted to run, I was reminded of the place to run, its so easy for me to just get mad at God and want to run away from Him, but really it's where I need TO run, it was time for me to come back, for the one I tend to leave. Cause, I can't do it on my own.

And when you run, run to God, cause His arms are open wide for you, and He loves you. And no matter what He is to you, a friend, a father, a Saviour, no matter what he's still going to be there for you, no matter what. :)

My thoughts, I dunno.

Future

It was a dark, yet calm night as Abby lay in the green grass contained in her front yard. She lay there, looking at the stars above her, thinking. Her mind was filled with many different things that had gone on that day. The message her pastor gave that morning in Church, the things that went on with her friends at school, the fights she got into, the fights with her parents, her brother, her family. But mostly, she was thinking about what they had talked about in Church that morning.

She remembered her pastor talking about the future, and how God had it all planned out, but for her, that wasn't easy for her to do. She didn't want to give God her life and her all, she loved having the control and being able to control her own life on her own. She liked being able to have the power to do whatever she wanted. She didn't want someone to tell her and lead her to where she was going, she wanted to walk on her own. She lay looking into the night sky, the stars shining brightly, although all she wanted was the control she had. She remember that he pastor had said it would be easier when God had control, but she didn't like that, she loved the control she had. But for some reason, she decided to just for once try it, let God have the control for once, let God plan her future.

And ya know, sometimes that's all of us. We like to control what's going on here, or what's happening there. We like to have the power and control what's going on around us, and we don't want to let God plan our future. And sometimes I know for me, I like my own future cause I see what's coming up ahead. We like being able to see what's coming ahead in our future, and with God we can't do that, because God has his own plans, but they are so much better then our own. We serve an awesome God, and sometimes we just have to be able to let it all go, and lay it at his feet, instead of keeping all the control for ourselves.

Stupid, but just thinking.

Ya I really don't know.

Who knew that a late night/early morning conversation could turn into something that got my mind going, and got me to think. Who knew that something someone said could change a whole lot? Who knew there was a reason that I would go to a friends house last night? Who knew that there was a reason that things went the way they did? Who knew? I didn't, but God did.

It was about 4:00am in the morning when you said what you did. When the words came out of your mouth. When what you said was placed in my head. When I realized that it's not just me, it's not just you, it's everyone. When you said the things you said, I thought for a moment, but that's nothing like you, but then I remember this little thing called a mask.

Yes, we all have one, we all play them out at sometime or another. I would have never guessed that you would have gone through anything, I never would have been able to tell, I never could have guessed it, but you told me. You have a mask, I have a mask, we all do. No matter if we want to admit it or not, around someone we all have a mask, or we put up walls so that people can't go into certain areas of us. For different people it's different things, but somehow and for some reason, we like to fake that every thing's always okay. For some reason, we all like to push the pain and the hurt away.

For me, it may be different. My barriers may be different than yours, my mask may not be the same as yours and most likely isn't the same. No matter the case or the reason, we all have a different story, we have things that we hide from other people, there are things we don't tell anyone. There are things that no one, but you knows. There are days when you play the "happy mask" and try to cover everything up. But, when you look at a person, all you see is the outside layer, the first layer. When you look at a building that you have never been in before, you don't know what the inside looks like until you get there. It's the same with us. When you look at a person, all you see is the outside of that person, maybe the mask, not the real person.

You have layers that you have to go through before you can get to the bottom layer. You have places you have to go before you can see what is really happening to them. We all like the masks, maybe some are really good at wearing them too. Really good at faking everyone out. Really good at making everything look okay. Maybe it's because no one ever asks them how they really are, or what's going on in life. Sometimes it's not as easy to see what's going on from the outside, without being able to see the inside, the hurt, the pain, the scars.

I don't know what's gone on in YOUR life, I don't know what YOUR dealing with right now. Maybe I haven't seen the real you, maybe all I've seen is your mask, maybe that's all anyone has seen. Maybe you haven't shown anyone what's behind that mask, maybe you've closed off everything and hid everything from the world, all the pain in you. I don't know what's going on in your life today, right now, I don't know the pain you are dealing with, but I do know that God has an awesome plan for your life. I know what pains life, I've been there, I felt it, but I also know that God will always be there and be by your side. I don't know what's coming up ahead, but God does. And if you haven't let anyone see what's behind that mask, just know that someone does know, and you don't have to hide from him. When you need someone to listen, he'll always be there and listen, and you can't hide anything from him, cause he already knows. And I encourage you, if you haven't shown anyone, I encourage you to find a friend that you trust, and talk to them, cause sometimes it's hard to keep everything in, and sometimes talking to a close friend can help. And they can pray for you and such, but that's just my advice.

And don't forget, God created you with a plan, I know it won't always be easy, but we have to wait on his time, and when you have no strength to move on, just fall on him, he'll catch you.

Forever

I can't promise you forever
Cause I know that a promise I can't keep
I can't say I'll always be your friend
Cause I can't promise that either
I can't say we'll never break our friendship
Or that we'll always be together
Cause, that too is a promise I can't keep
I can't promise that we won't lose touch
Cause maybe we will
I don't know whats coming up for me in life
I don't see my future
I don't know the places I'll go
The things I'll go through
I don't know what will happen tomorrow,
Or even the things I'll say today
But, God does...
I don't know the plans that God has laid before me
I don't know what he wants to do with my life
Or what he will put me through
I don't know if I will know you forever
Or if one day our friendship will end
I can't make a promise that we'll always be friend
Cause I'm not sure if I can keep that promise
But the promise I'll give you is this..
I'll be the friend that I can be to you
Until the time when God tells me my times up here
I'll be the best friend that I can to you
Until we part
I don't know what's going to happen in my future
But, I know God does
And I trust that his plans are better then my own
I won't make a promise to you that I know I can't keep
Forever is one of those
But I will promise you,
That I'll be the best friend that I can
For the time I am lucky enough to be with you
I know I won't be a perfect friend
I know I'll mess up
I won't promise you I'll be a perfect friend
Cause that is one thing I know I can't keep
I'll try my best, give my best effort
But there will be a time I will have to part
I don't know what it is but there will be a time
But if you want a friend that will never leave you,
Don't chose me, or any person
Chose God
He'll never leave you
He'll always be by your side
And he can promise you the things I can't
He'll always be there...
Forever
I won't be, I won't say I will, cause I know I won't
But God will never leave you, he'll be with you forever
He can promise you forever
He's the best friend you could ever ask for
Lean on him
He's sturdy and won't fall
I can't promise forever,
But God can

Yup... This is dumb

It's a game we all like to play
It's a world we like to fake
It's the truth we want to hide
It's the pain we don't show inside
It's the mask we chose to wear
So we don't have to show our tears
It's a choice we have to make
If we chose to fake
We like to fake it cause it seems easier
We like to play these game
And make the world believe us
You may say you've got it all
When really you have nothing
You can come to me with a mask
You can hide all you want from me
But you can't hide it from God
He knows it all
And no matter how hard you try to hide it,
It won't work
You can hide it from me
I can't make you show it to me
You can only chose to
I know I may not understand you or your pain,
But God does
He'll listen
He loves you
Your his child
And when you fall he'll catch you
When you cry, he'll catch each tear in his hand
You can't hide it from him
You can't hide the facts of what he already knows
You can fake it with me, but you can't fake it with the one who created you
With a plan and a purpose

Stupid Once Again

This thing is can be both painful and fun
It can be hard and easy
Stressful or not a care in the world
Happy or sad
Glad or mad
It can be fun and not so fun
Each and every person has one
And this things called life.

God breathed life into each and everyone of us, but that wasn't the life I was talking about. Yes, it's the life that your walking and breathing. But, it's not that kind of life. It's the life in which you take each step, and you can either go and do this or that. Life can turn out this way, or that way. It could be hard, or it could be easy.

But, I can tell ya, my life wasn't what you'd call easy for the longest time. You see, I like control, I like being able to control myself and chose what I want to do and where I want to go. I want MY WILL, I want MY PLAN in life, I don't want to follow God's, mines better. There's a beginning, and I know what I'm planning in the near future. Yeah, I love that power, I love the control of being able to control this thing called life.

But, God doesn't seem to follow that plan. He seems to not care about my plans, but has plans of His own. he doesn't really seem to care about what I want, he just does what he wants. He decides he wants me to fall, he lets me, he decide to put me through this, and does, and I don't even have a say in it.

It's so much easier, to slam him out, let him go, drop him off on the curb a few feet back. It's so much easier to take the wheel for ourselves, and go just where we want to, where we planned. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you'll never get what you want, you'll never get your will, but you'll get God's. '

If I had a choice, I wouldn't live the life I life right now. It's painful and hard at time, it's a big pain, and sometimes I just want out, but don't we all. Sometimes it feels like all God's doing is making me go through all this hard stuff, and there is nothing good in life, but that's when God surprises you.

The truth is, is that we have to be able to let go of that control, let go of our own lives, let go of the burdens and pains that we hold so tightly, that we try so hard to hide from God. (how dumb are we?) We can't hide anything from God, he knows everything, including your future. He knows what you want, and he knows what will happen. He knows that there will be pain, but he also sees what's ahead.

It's so easy for us to just take control, but we have to come to the cross, come to Jesus' face, take the things we hold, take our own life, and lay it down. And maybe your running from God right now, and maybe your tight with him. But for those of you who are drifting away, is it time for you to come home to your Father's open arms? Is it time for you to lay it all down at his feet? Is it time to let go of what you hold on to and let God take control?

I don't know your life story, but I do know one thing, and it's this... no matter how hard it is, no matter where you are, God has a plan for your life, and maybe it's not your will being done, but I hate to be the one to break it to you, but it will never be your will, but it will be God's will all the way.

You

I could tell you a sad, sad story, about a girl just like you and me
Or I could sing you a happy song of how I was rescued

I could tell you about the pain and hurt
Or I could tell you about the smile after

I could tell you how I was rescued
Or I could tell you how much it hurt

I could tell you it's easy
Or I could tell you it's hard

I could tell you, you like power, and control
I could tell you, I do too

But, I don't have control, and guess who does?
God does.

He created me
He made me
He wants to use me, if only I'd let him

I take my life, hold it on my hands,
I lay it down, down at your feet
I let go of the pain, the hurt, the things I've held so tight
I lay it all at your feet.


That was stupid. Okay yeah, don't ask.

You Don't Understand

You don't understand what I've been through.
You don't see all the tears I've cried.
You don't see all the times when a little word can hurt me so much.
You don't understand how hard life can be.
You don't understand the pain.
You don't understand the hurt,
you don't know what it's like to have to lie to everyone about what goes on.

You don't understand
You'll never know
You don't understand how much it hurts to be me

You haven't seen the least of it
You don't know how much it hurts me
You've never seen me cry,
You've never seen my true pain

You'll never know till you've been there
You'll never know how hard it is to endure pain,
Until you've been there
You'll never know my pain until your there
and wish you could get out

You'll never know true pain till you feel it
You'll never understand how hard it is to fake it
You'll never understand cause your not me

You'll never know my pain
You'll never understand it
You'll never see the uncried tears
You'll never know my pain

-lyrics by Annoymous.

Yesterday

I was reading my Bible yesterday (wow shocker I know, I can read!:) ) I was reading a passage in Psalms, and David was praising God, and writing a Psalm of thanksgiving to the Lord. It got me to thinking, I am so greedy. I take everything for granted that God has given me. I don't think twice about the little thing in life, or being thankful for them.

Like each morning when I get up, that I can see, hear, walk, that I can move. The I can live and breathe, and that when I get up out of that nice bed, do I even think twice about being able to live in a warm house, and not having to sleep on concrete, but I get a nice bed. When I walk out into the nice day outside, do I even think about how I am so lucky to be able to get into a car, and drive to a nice school with great teachers, and friends. I never even take the time to say, "thanks God." I just take it all for granted. My family, my friends, the "little" things like being able to walk and breathe and move.

I look at my life, and all I see is the bad things that have gone on, the hard days, the bad things in life, the things that go wrong, and I go and blame God for them. I get mad at God for the little things that go wrong, and the good I just forget. The good things in life, the simple good things, I just forget about. The bad is all I think about, the good is just whatever. But when you think about it, God has blessed us with so much. And when I look at my life, I see so many great things. When I just take the time to look around, I have so much compared to so many people.

I'm just talking, writing, whatever... nothing important. But whatever.

Tonight

I feel the wind in my face, I feel the grass against my ankles, I feel the tears stream down my face, I feel my arm slam the door shut. I feel alone. I'm running, running from this life. I'm running fast and I'm running hard. Today was too hard, this life is too hard, it seems so much easier to just run. I've gotten a head start, I've run away from life as fast as I could. I've left all the pain behind. I've left God, the one who seems to be causing all this. I've decided it's not worth working hard for it, I let go. I ran. I've left all my friends, I've left God.

Maybe this is you. All you want to do is run. Maybe you have an aching pain inside you, maybe life stinks. Maybe it would just be so much easier to run. Maybe running from everything, including God seems to be the easy way out. Maybe you've slammed the door shut on God, just like you would do to your annoying sibling. Maybe you've slammed that door shut on God's face, pushed him out. Maybe life's just too hard, and you blame God for hurting you. Maybe your blaming God for everything that's gone on. Maybe running just seems to much easier then facing life. Maybe the pain is just too great, and all you want to do is let go, give up, and run. Facing life is hard, so why not just run?

But, even when you slam the door on God, he doesn't slam the door on you. When you slam the door shut right on his face, he doesn't slam the door back on you. He waits for you, waits for you to open the door for him. He waits for you to turn around, he waits for you to come home. And when you decide to, he will be sitting there, waiting for you, he will be waiting with open arms, telling you to come, saying that he loves you. He never shut the door on you, you shut it on him. He's waiting for you to come back home.

Maybe your life's hard, maybe you've given up, run from everything, run from God. Maybe you feel that God wouldn't even want you to come back if you decided to come back. But, God is waiting for you to come home, come back. Maybe tonight, today, this very moment, it's time for you to come home. Maybe it's time for you to come and feel the embrace of your Savior, maybe it's time for you to come and sit on the lap of your Father, talk to him, sit on His lap, cry on his shoulder, be in his presence. Or maybe it just doesn't feel like he wants you, but guess what? I'm here to tell you at this moment that God loves you so much and wants you. He loves you and cares for you so much that he sent his son to DIE that painful death on the cross for you. He never slammed the door shut on you, he's sitting there, waiting for you. When you have no strength to move on, God will give you some. After all, he created you with an awesome plan, and he knows there is pain in your life, he knows your life may not be easy, he knows that you ran, and he's sitting there and waiting for you to come home.

He's been waiting for you to come home, he's been sitting and waiting for you ever since you left. And maybe this very day, this night, this very moment, maybe right now, it's time for you to come home...

Think

I think about you everyday, I think about what in the world I am supposed to say to you. When I look at you and see you down, I worry about you all the time. I'm look at you and I know I'm the one who messed us up. As I look at you, I look into your eyes, and I see you happy. I see you smiling, I see you with your friends, I see you having fun. I see the place where I used to stand, I see the space where I use to sit, now filled by the millions of other friends you have. I see the friends that have replaced me, I see the smiles that use to fill my face every time we would be together, now turn into the aching pain I feel every time I see your face. The pain of how I know I messed this up so bad. The things I told you, the things we would talk about, all the times we told each other we wouldn't be like the other friends, and we really would be friends forever, guess that didn't last. I know it's all my fault, and I know there is nothing I can do. I have tried so hard to fix stuff between us, I have tried to talk to you, but you just push me away. I know you don't have time for the one who left you.

I didn't mean to leave you, I didn't walk out on you. Who knew such a small misunderstanding could lead to all this? I feel like I tried so hard to let this friendship move on, but you seemed to not care, you gave up on me. I wish you could read this right now and know how I felt. I wish you understood that I still love you and care about you, but I guess you just hate me. I used to think I could somehow fix this all, guess I was wrong. I want to talk to you and work this out, but you've moved on.

The place where I used to stand is now taken by all the new friends that have replaced me. I look over at you, and I see you smiling, I'm happy to see that, but when I look at all the new friends you are with, it reminds me of all the fun times we had together, but because of a small understanding, I guess it's all over now.

Side note: The video below this post is a family at my church, and I don't know I thought their story was cool, and just wanted to share it, watch it if you want to, you don't have to, your choice.

Mikayla

I feel it piercing into me.
The words you say,
The complaints you give me
The millions of times over and over you say how bad you are
The times you yell at me every time I say a word
Do you know how bad the hurts?
Do you not see all the tears streaming down my face, when you aren't looking?
Do you not know how appreciated and loved you are?
Whatever happened to the times we used to spend together
The times we would hang out, and laugh together
The fun times we used to have together
The days before she moved
Why did they all leave?
Why now is it just you yelling at me?
I know I'm not perfect, and it hurts to hear it from you
What do you want me to do?
I can't do everything the way you want it
I'm not your perfect little child
I'm sorry.
I know I'm a disappointment to you and just make your life harder
Sorry you have to deal with me.
I really am sorry.

I wish...

I wish just for one moment that it would all go away
I wish just for one moment I could be sitting beside you talking to you
I wish just for one moment the rest of the world would go away and all I could see was you
I wish I could tell you everything that goes on
I wish I could tell you the truth
I wish just for a moment I could know you understood
I wish just for a moment I would be bold enough to speak
I wish just for a moment I could tell you the truth from my heart
I wish the world was different, and that hurt wasn't such a big part of it
I wish the pain could simple go away
I wish it wouldn't keep coming back the memories of you...
The uncried tears
The unshown pain
The things I've held so close and lost
The pain I've never talked about
The pain that's never shown through the smile
The tears in my eyes that don't fall
The pain I can't let go
This life is hard, shouldn't say I never expected that
But, I haven't let go yet
I've learned to lean on you
To let you lead me
And there is nothing else I can do but follow