What if I really meant everything that I said on the phone? What if I really am sick of you? What if I really want to be done with you? You don't even care. You wouldn't stop me from running, you wouldn't stop me from leaving you. You wouldn't care. You'd say it was simply my choice, and I hate to chose what I wanted to do, and you wouldn't do anything about it. Is that how its supposed to be? I think now. You are supposed to be the one to stop me, and ask me what's going on, and lets talk about it. And you say you know when I need you, and you ask me what's wrong, and you don't! You don't ask. You don't know. You are so focused on you, you can't even see what's wrong with me. I've needed you for so long, but I don't want to just up and talk about it, you need to give me time, to think about it, and to let it sink in before I want to talk about it. Where have you been all this time?!

Thoughts Today

If what I saw in the movie was really me and you, I think that would be the best time of my life. The thing is, I don't know where I'm at anymore, I don't what I'm doing right, or the many things I'm doing wrong. The people I'm blowing off, the things I chose not to share, just because I can't contain them anymore.

If it was just you and me, and we were sitting in the darkness of the night, with the oceans waves crashing below us, when no one else was around, and it was a dark night, and the light was only the light of the light we brought with us, maybe things would be different. Maybe I would feel as though I really could tell you everything, and that I really could let you know whats going on right now, but for some reason, I don't have the guts to.

Life is life, and it's not always fun for me. Living with two guys can be a pain in the butt, cause they don't understand anything. And plus, they don't know that sometimes us as girls want some time alone, and not with you around. Sometimes, we just need friends to talk to and help us through everything we are going through, whether they are just sitting and watching us, or holding us in their arms, sometimes that's all we need. Sometimes someone willing to stand by my side is all I could ever want. Sometime it takes more than than. Step back and look, I'm an ordinary girl growing up without a Mom. Done it since I was not even 2. I'm used to it. Does that mean it's easy? No. Does that mean it kills most of the time? Yeah. Does that mean I don't trust God with it? No, I do trust Him, do I understand why? No, but I trust Him, and hope He really does know what He is doing, cause I sure don't.

Sometimes, I just don't understand and wish that perfect movie picture was true. Sometimes all I want is to be with someone, and talk to them and get my feelings out, and have them listen, and give me hugs, comfort me, encourage me, cause I need it more than they know.

Thoughts

God has been laying something on my heart a lot lightly, and it's out of my comfort zone. God has been calling me into different areas of leadership. And your thinking, what's wrong with that?

All my life, I have been a follower, I don't want to be the way to set a trend, and I don't want to be the person telling someone they are wrong, or whatever. Second off, I don't want to be a leader, I have been living all my life as a follower, and yeah not saying I don't have some clones around, but I mean it's not like I have actually talked about it. My faith is so important to me, but no one would have any idea, because I don't talk about my feelings much.

But, God has been giving me ideas, and telling me, "Kate, it's time you got out of your comfort zone and started helping those around you, instead of just sitting and watching." Here's the thing, for a whole 13 years of my life, I have watched, sat in the bleachers, and God is finally calling out of that.

Magnificent Holy Father
I stand in awe of all I see
Of all the things You have created
But still You choose to think of me
Who am I that You should suffer
Your very life to set me free
The only thing that I can give You
Is the life You gave to me
This is my offering, dear Lord
This is my offering to You, God
And I will give You my life
For it’s all I have to give
Because You gave Your life for me

And sometimes, I know for a fact that when I sit in the bleachers, I am not using the life that God gave me in the right way. I could do so much more with it, but I don't. I want to be an offering to you, God, an offering with my life.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving you say? Doesn't excite me. Sitting around home, looking at everything around me, doesn't make me feel proud, doesn't make me want anything better. You ask, shouldn't you be thankful on thanksgiving? Shouldn't you be thankful for those around you? Yeah, sure I'm thankful for my Dad and my brother, but sometimes they can just be a pain. And sometimes, I get overwhelmed.

But maybe, today it is time to just step back and look around me. I am surrounded by a huge group of friends, all around me, catching me when I fall, catching my tears on their shoulders when I cry, supporting me through thick and thin, being people I can count on. Yeah, maybe sometimes they all aren't there, and maybe sometimes I wish there was other people in my life, but ya know, all in all, I have to look back and see all the blessings that I do have.

Yeah, life stinks so much sometimes, and yeah, there are so many times I want to run away from my life, and so many times, I just wish that the rest of the pain of everything goes away, it doesn't seem to listen. But, sometimes I just have to remember that God will put me through hard stuff, but that's when I need to just fall down, and say God, I know I can't do this on my own, sometimes God brings me to points where all I can is look up at God, and say I was made to be dependent, and I need you.

And yeah, I'm sick of hearing God's got a plan for my life, but I know it's true, and I can't help but smile to know that. I may hate life, but maybe it's just time to look and see that God really does have a plan, and knew what he was doing when he put each and everything thing in my life.

"You give and take away, you give and take away, and my heart will CHOSE TO SAY Lord, blessed be your name."

Yeah, it does hurt sometimes around the holidays, when people spend all the time and talk about all the blast they had/have with their family, and yeah it does hurt sometimes to watch you all smile, when pain surrounds me, but the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, and it all ends up in His plan.

"You give and take away, and my heart will CHOSE to say, Lord blessed be your name."

MY STUPID LIFE!!

Ever just wish for a second, that people would leave you alone? Ever just wish people would stop doing something so badly, but they don't listen? This is all I want out of the world. I want people to stinkin just stop pitying me? Whats pity you may ask? Maybe that's the first place to start. Pity is giving me sympathy for something I don't need or want it for, in other words, giving my sympathy that won't help me at all in the near future, or in any future.

People, stop watching me in pain, and saying I'm sorry! Stop standing around me and complaining how you don't like this, when your mom's gone and it's just you and your dad, stop complaining to me about that, cause guess what, THAT'S MY LIFE! I have no pity for you, and I don't want pity back in return. So get over your complaining about how it's only when your Mom is gone, cause my mom has been gone for 12 and a half YEARS! Hear that, not like tiny little days, years, years!! This isn't little things, this isn't lies, this is the flat out truth of my entire life.

You don't know what it's like to sit around your whole life waiting to see what in the world God was thinking in this. You don't know how much it hurts to look at your perfect life, when mine is falling into pieces. You want someone to understand the little things, well guess what, I want someone to understand this too, but guess what, no one does. So get over your complaing about how your Mom's going to be gone for 2 days, wait till your Mom is gone for 12 and a half years and is NEVER COMING BACK!

Yes, I don't have a Mom, and yes it kills like nothing else. And don't even try to tell me you understand cause you don't. You haven't been there, your great uncles grandpa's cousins plumber dieing doesn't even count. Not in any ways, cause when your standing in my spot, you see it's a whole lot different, a whole lot more painful, and a whole lot more wanting and needing someone around.

So don't tell me you understand until you ARE STANDING WHERE I HAVE STOOD THE PAST 12 AND A HALF YEARS OF MY LIFE!

Ashes for Beauty?

Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay EVERY burden down
At the foot of the cross

Walking through life, we pick things up along the way. One day we decide to pick this up or that up at the store, and we keep walking. What would happen if we didn't ever lay any of that down? What would happen if every time we walked through a store, we bought something and we didn't lay it down, but just carried it around instead? Do you think the pile of stuff would ever get heavy? How stupid would that be and look? How stupid would that be?

You read that, and simple think, Kate your crazy, why would anyone do that? And that truth is, that so many of have. Maybe it's not really things, like maybe it's not like food, clothes, whatever, but a lot of the time, it's burdens.

What are you talking about? You may ask.... this...
1.) losing someone you love, maybe by simply just breaking up with a boyfriend, losing a best friend, cause of their choice, or really having someone you love die
2.) parents getting divorced
3.) stress...

There are so many burdens that you carry, that you don't want to let go of. Maybe it's something that would comfort you, or so you think, that would make you feel better about yourself, that would give you courage to move on, I don't know. I don't know what has gone on in your life, but I'm guessing that some where along the way, you have picked something up. Some kind of pain, some kind of maybe even just sin that you don't think belongs. Who knows what it is, but maybe theirs something you have carried around your whole life. And maybe people have tried to push God onto you, telling that He loves you, but maybe that's just another heavy book to carry around all the time. Maybe it surrounds you, and you just don't want it.

Maybe, like me, your sick of walking around carrying all these useless burdens, and refusing to let anyone see them. Maybe you've tried giving them to someone else, but no one was strong enough to take them, and just gave them back to you, even worse than they were before. I don't know, cause, truth be told, I love a totally different life than you do, and sometimes. Maybe it feels like it would be so much easier to carry around, till you have carried it around for so long, and you need a break, but know you can't take one.

Look up, and what do you see? Maybe all you see is open arms, but those are God's open arms. He says that he will give you rest, but only if you can lay your burdens down. But you say, I can't, there will be no more comfort, it's my security, or maybe it's just stuck to you, cause you've carried it around so long, refusing to get help.

But tonight, no matter where you are, no matter who you are, and no matter what burdens your carrying, lay them down at the cross. It's right in front of you and look, God's standing there with open arms, ready for you to come in and sit in His lap, cry on his shoulder, whatever, cause you are his child, and his creation, which he loves. It may be a hard process, but God will help you carry that load. Will he really want them? You may ask, yeah, He's ready to help you carry the load, even better, carry it for you. So tonight, lay the burdens down at God's feet, and feel the warmth of His warm embrace around you. Cause maybe you have been carrying them your whole life, and now it's time to let them go, to someone who truly can help you with the heavy load.

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. -God

Father's love letter